The Christian Family: Marriage and Household Order: The Family

The Family - Part 7

Transcript: AI Transcript

Professor: John Weaver

Subject: Family Government

Genre: Sermon

Dictation Name:

Date: 2007-10-21

Synopsis: In this sermon, John Weaver continues his series on the biblical doctrine of the family, focusing on the husband's role. He teaches that the key command for husbands is to love their wives with the same quality of love that Christ has for the church—realistically, exclusively, and sacrificially. This love is an act of the will, not merely an emotion, and must be exercised from a position of headship, avoiding the extremes of being a lackey or a tyrant. The purpose of this love is to sanctify and nurture the wife, reflecting Christ's sanctifying work in the church. The sermon emphasizes that the husband's love and the wife's submission are inseparably bound together in God's design for marriage.

[John Weaver] Ephesians chapter 5, and let's begin reading there with verse 21. Ephesians 5, verse 21. Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. Salt men to love their wives as their own bodies, he that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh. but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the Church, for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

[John Weaver] For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they too shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife, even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence the husband."

[John Weaver] Now, I've been dealing with the biblical doctrine of the family for the last six weeks. And may I just remind you that I covered the first two messages on the dominion aspect of the family and showed you how God had instituted the family to be an instrument of dominion. And certainly that involved authority and responsibility. Then thirdly, I dealt with creation differences and showed you how God has created men and women differently, not just physically, but also emotionally and judgmentally. Then next I showed you God's intentional order in creation. How that God has ordained that here's God, Christ, man, woman, according to 1 Corinthians chapter 11. And over and over how the Bible placed emphasis upon the fact that God created the man first. And so the scripture is teaching us that God has created the man to lead and the woman to follow.

[John Weaver] Then we begin to look at the role of the wife. And I shared with you from Scripture that the key word for the wife was the word submit. And the wife was to picture the submission of the church to Jesus Christ. That's why he said in Ephesians chapter 5 verse 24, Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. So the woman's submission to her husband is part and parcel of her submission to Jesus Christ.

[John Weaver] Now let me make a statement, and I made this before I left on this last trip, and I'm emphasizing it again. A woman who is not rightly submitted to her husband is not right with God. But now don't get bent out of shape over that because, let me go further, the husband who does not love his wife the way Christ loved the church is not right with God either. In other words, God has ordained individual roles in marriage. And the role of the wife is that she is to represent and typify and be emblematical of the submission of the Church to Jesus Christ. And that of the husband is that he is to picture and represent Christ's love to the Church. Since the key word for wife is submit, and we looked at it all through Scripture, you would automatically think that the key word for the husband would be rule or conquer. But it's neither. If you look in Ephesians 5 in verse 25, husbands love your wives. Verse 28, men to love their wives.

[John Weaver] Verse 33, Nevertheless, let every one in particular so love his wife. And Colossians 3, verse 19, it is husbands, love your wives. So the key word for the husband is not rule, it's not conquer, it is love. So let's begin today by looking at point one, the particular command. That particular command that God gives the husbands is for the husband to love his wife. So, as God then ordains that the woman is to be in submission to her husband, He also ordains that the husband is to love his wife. Let me point out that in each instance, when the Bible tells the wife to submit to the husband, and when the Bible tells the husband to love the wife, it is a present middle imperative. Now the imperative means it is a command. The present means it is something that you are now doing and something that you continue to do. So what God is telling you is this.

[John Weaver] It is not something that can be done once a week, or once a month, or once a year, or once in a lifetime. No. What he is telling us is this, that the wife is to be constantly, continually, progressively submitting herself to her husband, and the husband is to be constantly, continually, progressively loving his wife as Christ also loved the church. So it's not something that can be done once and say, well, I did that last year. No, no, no. It's got to be constant and continuous and progressive.

[John Weaver] Now, men, the Greek word for love is the word agapao from agape, which, of course, is the highest form of love. It is the form of love that God gave to us when he gave his son, the Lord Jesus Christ. So it is not mere phileo. Phileo is where we get our word family and philanthropic from. So, it is not just a mere family love or a philanthropic love. No, it is a spiritual love that transcends even the love of the family. Moreover, it is not simply erotic or physical love that God commands. It is His kind of love. It is the highest form. It is spiritual love.

[John Weaver] Now, let me show you how we, as fallen human beings, turn everything upside down. Fallen man always begins with the physical or the fleshly. Usually men are attracted to women, women are attracted to men, not because of some spiritual insight, not because of some deep, holy, godly love, but just simply because of lust or infatuation. And then once they are attracted physically, then hopefully once they marry, They might reach that familial or family love, and only by the supernatural grace of God will they ever reach the agape or the spiritual love. Now, what God says is, look, we've got it upside down. We should always start with the highest form of love.

[John Weaver] If we begin with that, the other types are very easily achieved. But when you turn it upside down and begin from the bottom up, then you've got a real, genuine struggle.

[John Weaver] Now, let me give you two quick comments. When the Bible commands husbands to love their wives, here's what the commentators Jameson, Fawcett and Brown said. Now, listen carefully. That has seen the measure of obedience. Now, here also the measure of love. Do you wish your wife to obey you as the church is to obey Christ? Then have a solicitude for her as Christ had for the church. So rather bluntly, he said this, if you want your wife to submit to you men the way God demands, then you love her the way God demands.

[John Weaver] Now, John Gill went a little bit further, and I think this is so beautiful. Listen to what he said. He's now explaining the phrase husbands love your wives. Here's what he says. Husbands love your wives, which consists in a strong and cordial affection for them, in a real delight and pleasure in them, in showing respect and doing honor to them, in seeking their contentment, satisfaction and pleasure, in a quiet, constant and comfortable dwelling with them, in providing all things necessary for them, in protecting

[John Weaver] them from all injuries and abuses, in concealing their faults and covering their infirmities and entertaining the best opinion of their persons and actions and in endeavoring to promote their spiritual good and welfare. This love ought to be hardy and sincere and not feigned and selfish. It should be shown in private as well as in public. It should be chaste and single, constant and perpetual. It should exceed that which is born to neighbors. or even to parents, and should be equal to that a man bears to himself, though not so as to hinder or break upon the love to God in Christ.

[John Weaver] Many of the reasons why husbands should love their wives, they are given to them to be helps unto them, they are companions of them, they are wives of the covenant, they are their own wives, yea, their own bodies, their own flesh, nay, as themselves. They are their image and their glory, and especially the example of Christ in His love to His church, and people should engage in it.

[John Weaver] Now, when the Bible says, husbands, love your wives, I want you to understand that this particular command, then, is discussing the husband's love for his wife on the absolute highest plane imaginable. that of real spiritual love. So here, then, is this particular command, Husbands, love your wives.

[John Weaver] Now, look back in your Bibles, in Ephesians 5 and verse 25, and notice, secondly, the position of this love. He says, Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it. Now, listen carefully. While God demands that the husbands love their wives, He also demands that the husband love his wife from a position of headship. Husband, love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. Now, how does Christ love the church? Well, He loves the church as her head.

[John Weaver] I'm going to explain this a little more fully just momentarily. But you must remember that Jesus Christ is seated at the right hand of God the Father. Jesus Christ was given all authority in heaven and earth. Now, it is true that Jesus Christ loves the church. Listen carefully. But his love for the church does not negate or nullify his headship. He is still the head. You follow that? So when the Bible commands husbands to love their wives, the position from which we are to love our wives is that as the head of the wife and the head of the family.

[John Weaver] Now let me point out that there are two extremes that must be avoided at all times. And unhappily, these two extremes prevail in most marriages. You can classify most marriages in one of these two extremes. The first one is this. Either the husband, on the one hand, thinks that loving his wife means that he gives in to her every whim, and he allows her to have her way in everything, in every area, in every subject, and he becomes nothing but a lackey and a yes, dear man. And the other extreme, on the other hand, is when the husband becomes a demanding, exacting tyrant. Now, here are two extremes. On the one hand, the husband is nothing but a lackey for a domineering wife who assiduously demands that he bow to her every whim. Either way you cut it, In that instance, it's the woman who rules the roost. And unhappily, her daughters will turn out to be exactly the way she is. And if she has any sons, they will also turn out to be lackeys for their wives as well, because they know nothing but female dominance.

[John Weaver] I have known women, and I still know some. who make their husbands' lives a living hell on earth. And when they try to stand up to their wives, the wife makes it so difficult that finally the husband just caves in just to have a few moments of peace and to be left alone. Do you know homes like that? Surely you do.

[John Weaver] On the other hand, I've known some men who are determined not to be ruled by a woman, so much so that they become absolute tyrants, demanding that their wives dot every I and cross every T. And if their wives do not perform exactly the way they demand, the wives are usually verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused. And their attitude is, the wife has to know who's in charge.

[John Weaver] I hope I don't need to emphasize or point out that both of these extremes are unbiblical, ungodly, and unchristian. No, we are not to be lackeys, men, nor are we to be tyrants. The position from which the husband is to love the wife is a position of headship. Christ loves the church, but he has never given up his headship. God constituted Christ as the head of the church. And likewise, God has constituted the husband as the head of the home and the head of the wife. So husbands, then, who love their wives must love them from a position of headship. And you've got to understand that that position of headship is always for the good of the wife.

[John Weaver] Now, let me make this clear. I did so, I believe, in the last message, but I want to emphasize it again. When God instituted the husband as the head of the wife, and when God instituted the husband as the head of the family, He did not institute or give that husband authority to harm, hurt, devastate, or destroy his wife. He did not elevate the man to be a lackey, nor did He elevate the man to be a tyrant. He elevated the man so that the man's position would be reflective of his own position. And as Christ loved the church, so the husband is to love the wife. Now listen to me. That means this. If you are loving from a position of headship, that does not mean that love always allows the wife to have her way. Well, of course not. Does Christ always allow the church to have her way? No. But it also means, loving from a position of headship, that she must never have her way. Does the church sometimes have her way?

[John Weaver] Yes, when it's for our benefit and we're obedient, of course. So loving from a position of headship means this, that the husband is always looking out for the best interest of the wife in providing for, in protecting her as well. He loves her, but it's from a position of headship. He's not being a lackey. He's not being a tyrant. He's being honest, he's being biblical, and he's looking out for the best interest of his wife. So the position, then, from which we must love our wives is the position of headship.

[John Weaver] Now, look back, if you would, at verse 25, Ephesians 5. Here's the third point, the purity or the quality of the love. He says in verse 25, Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it.

[John Weaver] Now, I want to call your attention to two tiny little words in this verse. Husbands, love your wives, here they are, even as. Those two little words are from the Greek word kathos, which literally mean as, even as, according as, or according to. Now, if we want to really understand these two words even as, We could translate them another way. We could read it like this. Husbands love your wives. Equal to. Or commensurate with. Or reflective of the love that Christ has for the church. Love your wives even as. Now let me make. A very demanding point. Obviously, when God commands us to love our wives as Christ loved the church, we cannot love them quantitatively the way Christ loved the church because Christ is God. And therefore, Christ can love in a far greater degree than you and I could ever possibly imagine. So he is not demanding that we love our wives quantitatively the way Christ loves the church. But what he is demanding is this, that we love our wives qualitatively. That is, we have the same kind of love for our wives that Christ had for the church.

[John Weaver] That's the kind of love that led Christ to the cross to suffer and bleed and die for the church. What the Lord is telling us is this, we must learn as husbands to exercise the same quality of love toward our wives as Christ did for his church. So as The wife's role is to picture the submission of the church to Jesus Christ. So the husband's role is to picture the love of Christ for his church as he loves the husband. Or as he loves his wife. I hope he doesn't love his husband for sure. As the husband loves his wife. Now, in order for You and I to discover how Christ loved the church, we've got to ask this question. How did Christ love the church? If we understand how Christ loved the church, we can understand how Christ wants husbands to love their wives. Now, look at verse 25, husbands. Love your wives, even as equal to commensurate with. The way Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the church, first of all, Christ loved the church realistically.

[John Weaver] Realistically, let me ask you a question. When Christ said his love upon us. What were we like? Were we perfect? Were we pure and holy and just and righteous? Think about that. And while you're thinking, let me give you a verse. Romans 5, verses 6-8. Romans 5, verses 6-8. Listen. The Bible says, For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die, yet for adventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But God commended his love toward us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Now what does the Bible say? The Bible says, in due time, Christ died for the ungodly. And while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Do you think that Jesus Christ thought that when he came to this world to die for us, that he was dying to save a perfect people who would always be obedient and always want to do that which was right and holy?

[John Weaver] You think that's what he thought? I don't think so. I don't think there's a bit of misconception in his mind. You remember what he said in Luke 18 and verse 10? I came not to save that which was righteous, but that which was lost. He came to seek and to save that which was lost. How did he love us? He loved us realistically. He loved us the way we were. Have you heard the old adage, love is blind? That's really not true.

[John Weaver] I know what they mean by that. But love is not blind. Love is realistic. That is, real love is realistic. Biblical love is realistic. And Christ loved the church realistically, and what he's saying is that we should learn to love our wives realistically. We've got to understand there is no such thing as a perfect church. Usually, I tell people, if you ever find a perfect church, don't join it. You'll mess it up. Now, what am I saying? There's no such thing as a perfect church. Listen, men. Because there's no such thing as a perfect life. If there's no perfect church, there's no perfect life. All of our wives have faults. Failings, blemishes and scars. That's it. But our love is not to be diminished. Because of their faults, their failings, their blemishes or their scars.

[John Weaver] Let me go further, let me explain that. Our wives may not be a beauty queen. They may not have the greatest intellect. They may no longer have their schoolgirl figure. But that should never diminish our love. I know of one young man who told his young wife. That he never wanted her to gain weight, and that if they wanted a happy marriage, she had to keep her schoolgirl figure. May I point out that that was highly unrealistic. Either, number one, she will never grow physically, or number two, she will never have children, or number three, she will die at a very early age.

[John Weaver] What am I talking about? All the men in here could truthfully say, I'm not the man I used to be. Well, our wives are not what they used to be either. We grow old, we age, we have problems. When I say we are to love our lives realistically, you know, it's interesting that in Colossians 3 and verse 19, the Bible says this, husbands love your wives and be not bitter against them. You know what bitterness is? You know what causes bitterness? Bitterness comes when our expectations are unfulfilled.

[John Weaver] She's just not cracked up to be what I thought she was going to be. She's just not acting the way I thought she should act. She's just not treating me the way I think I should be treated. Our bitterness always shows when we speak to our wives with contempt, sarcasm, and ridicule, or when we give them the silent treatment. We just won't speak. Unrealistic expectations always lead to bitterness. Now, I want you to think about this. Help me out now. The Bible says husbands love your wives, Even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it, right?

[John Weaver] Now there's a comparison here. So, man, let me ask you this. Suppose Christ became bitter with you. And became resentful with you because of all of your sin, all of your failings, all of your faults, and you have never measured up to be what he thinks you should be. Let me ask you, husbands, would you like for Christ to give you the silent treatment? Would you like for Christ to ridicule you and become sarcastic with you? You say, but pastor.

[John Weaver] My wife has not turned out. The way that I thought she would turn out. Well, have you turned out the way that Christ desired you to turn out? Let's understand something, folks. If you would read 1 Corinthians 13, I think there's a little phrase there that goes like this, love beareth all things. And the next time you get anxious because your wife has gained a few pounds, she has wrinkles, she has crow's feet, It may be time that you looked in the mirror yourself.

[John Weaver] And you're going to find that your hair is not as full as it once was. And what's really bad is when our ears have more hair than our head does. And you'd understand, and I can say this in South Georgia lingo, we're not as suave in the boner as we used to be, sort of suave and have an air. We're not.

[John Weaver] We must consider the fact. That realistically, our wives are sinners just like we are. And therefore, they're going to have their faults and their failings and they're going to have their problems, they are not going to be perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect wife and ladies, I hate to burst your bubble, but I'll go ahead and say it. There's no such thing as a perfect husband. There's not. Because we're all sinners. But Christ loved the church realistically, there was no misconception in his mind, he knew we were wicked, he knew we were sinners, he knew we were ungodly, but he loved us anyway. Secondly, Look back in verse 25, Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. He not only loved us realistically, he loved us exclusively. Scripture emphasizes the fact that he loved the church. Listen carefully. He did not love the world particularly. He loved the church particularly. What does that mean? That means husbands are to love their own peculiar and particular wives.

[John Weaver] That is the one that belongs to them. They are not to love their neighbor's wife.

[John Weaver] Now let me try to enlarge upon this just for a moment. In order to understand this distinction, You must understand the distinction between the love of benevolence in the Bible and God's special redemptive love. Now, I just said earlier that Christ did not love the world the way he loved the church. And before you begin quoting John 316, let me explain what I mean. Yes, there is a sense in which God loves the world benevolently. The benevolent love of God is revealed in the fact, in Matthew 5, that he causes the sun to rise upon the just and the unjust alike. He sends showers upon the just and the unjust alike.

[John Weaver] Peter said in Acts chapter 14 verse 17, listen to this, nevertheless he left not himself without witness in that he did good. He sent rain from heaven and fruitful seasons filling our hearts with food and gladness. Yes, That is a benevolent love. What is a benevolent love? That's when you love people in the sense that you do not wish them any harm, you do not wish them any ill, and you're more than willing to do things for them. But that does not mean that you love them with a special, particular, redemptive love.

[John Weaver] God has not shown that to the world. He's shown that to His church. Someone says, but wait a minute, brother Weaver, you don't understand. The Lord loves everyone alike and he loves everyone exactly the same way. Oh. Do you mean to tell me? That God loved Esau exactly the way he loved Jacob. Do you mean to tell me that God loved Judas in the same way and in the same degree that he loved the Apostle Paul? Do you mean to tell me that God loves those who are condemned to death and hell in the same way that He loves His church? I don't think so. But I'm going to tell you what, if judgment and death and hell are acts of God's love, truthfully, I don't want to be loved like that.

[John Weaver] You and I both know there's a difference. I'll show it to you. Look in your Bible to John 17. John 17 is the high priestly prayer of our Lord. And look what he prays for. John 17. And notice, if you would please, verse 9. Look what the Bible says. Our Lord is praying. He's praying for his own. I'm going to make an application of this just for a moment. Watch this. John 17, verse 9, our Lord says, I pray for them, that is, His believers, His church. I pray for them. I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me, for they are thine. Well, you say, well, our Lord loves everybody alike. Well, if He loved everybody alike, why did He not pray for everybody alike? No, He does not love everybody the same way.

[John Weaver] That is why the Saints, as you will read through the scripture, the Saints are always called the beloved of the Lord. Now. Does our Lord act graciously and mercifully toward all? Of course he does. That's why they have life. That's why they have food. That's why they have family. But that does not mean that he loves them in that special, redemptive way. He has not chosen to save everyone by grace through faith in the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

[John Weaver] Now, what is he saying? Husbands, love your wives even as Christ loved the church. It is an exclusive love. I could say, truthfully, that I love every woman in this room. And I do. I don't want them to die of cancer. I don't want them to be in a car wreck and killed. I don't want them to be deprived and do without. I could say truthfully, I love every woman in this room. But I could also say I love my wife. And I don't love everyone in this room the way I love my wife. If I loved every woman in this room the way I love my wife, I would be in real problems. And I'm going to tell you, I can truthfully say that any man who tries to love my wife the way he loves his wife is going to be in bore water problems himself. And I would hope that every man in this congregation and every other man would feel the same way if I tried to make advances towards your wife.

[John Weaver] No, God says you love your wives. You love your own peculiar, particular wife. What does he say? If you love your wife, that means there's not going to be any cases of infatuation. There's not going to be any cases of lust and playing around. No, no. You're to resist all temptation. We must understand we're to love our wives. Now, watch this. When God says husbands love your wives, here's a very important truth. Listen to this. Love is an act of a will. Love is not necessarily an emotion. Since love is an act of the will, it can be commanded. Husbands, love your wives. And of course, by implication, the wife is to love the husband. Love is an act of the will. We will to love.

[John Weaver] I've heard of people saying, well, I just fell out of love. You didn't fall out of love. You just quit willing to love. You don't fall in love and you don't fall out of love. Love is an act of a will. I had a man come to me for counseling one time and basically he had already determined in his mind that he was going to divorce his wife and marry another woman. Now, he had no biblical grounds to divorce his wife.

[John Weaver] She had not committed him sin. He was just going to get him another woman. And it's interesting when people come for you come to you for counseling, usually they really don't want counseling. What they want you to do is put your stamp of approval on what they've already decided to do. So he had already decided before he ever came to my office that he was going to divorce his wife and marry this other woman.

[John Weaver] And when I Talk with him. I found out that there was no grounds for divorce. And I told him, look, you you can't divorce your wife. She hasn't done anything worthy of divorce. And if you do so, you're going to be sinning against God. And it's a violation of the word of God. And when I told him that, he blurted out, but but I don't love her. Oh.

[John Weaver] When he said that and I said, I'm sorry. You have no choice in the matter. God has commanded you. Husbands love your wife. I said, God has placed you under commandment oriented life. It is an act of the will. You must love your wife. And you know what his answer was? Well, I just can't love her as a wife. I said, well, let me ask you. She is at least the closest neighbor you have, isn't she?

[John Weaver] I mean, no one else could be any closer. I mean, she's at least living in the same house with you right now. Well, he said, yeah, I guess so. I said, well, good, because the scripture says, love your neighbor. And since your wife is your closest neighbor, God commands you to love her. Why is it I can't even love her as a neighbor? I said, well, would you count her an enemy? He said, yes, yes, she is my enemy. I said, good, the word of God says love your enemies. And when he saw he couldn't get out of it, all of a sudden he had to be somewhere else and the counseling session was over.

[John Weaver] Let me tell you, please understand this. I love my wife. And I will to love her every day. And I pray and I ask God to help me to love her as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. I love my wife more now than I ever did when we met or when we first got married. I'll be honest, I didn't even know what love was when we got married. And most people don't. And the reason there's so many divorces is because people have never understood that love is an act of the will.

[John Weaver] It's something that you must do and that you must work at on a daily basis. Now, please understand, mark it down. God commands you to love your wife. You can't get out of it. Whichever woman God has given you, God commands you to love her and he commands you to love her as Christ loved the church. He gave her to you in his providence. And now he commands you to love her. Now, thirdly, very quickly, Christ only loved the church realistically, exclusively, He loved the church sacrificially. Look what the Bible says, Ephesians 5, verse 25, Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. The essence of love is to spend itself for another.

[John Weaver] Now, men, I want you to listen to me. Listen carefully. Here's what the Scripture says, Husbands, Love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. I want you to underline this in your mind. Scripture does not say that Christ gave off Himself. It says that Christ gave Himself. What's that mean? It means we must love our wives sacrificially. Listen carefully. Lust and infatuation may lead a man into marriage, but only sacrificial love will keep him there. And once a man is married, the wife is to be number one in his life.

[John Weaver] Friends, associates and all other pleasures take a back seat. I've known men who've gotten married. And who wanted to keep up their time with the boys. Hunt all night, fish all weekend, spend all of their time with their friends. As we say in South Georgia, that dog won't hunt. If you treat your wife like that, I can assure you of one thing. Those who sacrifice their wives for their friends will soon only have friends and no wives. Once you marry, that wife becomes your best friend, your number one companion, and all else take a back seat. Period. She comes first.

[John Weaver] Doesn't mean you can't go hunting. Doesn't mean you can't go fishing. Sometimes wives appreciate the fact that you're gone for a couple of days. But you make sure you pay close attention to her. I often tell my wife, I don't see how she gets anything done when I'm away from her because I'm not there to give her orders. And she tells me that she can get 10 times more done when I'm not there to give her the orders. But be honest, you cannot sacrifice your wife or your friends, period.

[John Weaver] Now, listen to what he said. Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it.

[John Weaver] Now, I want to give you a rather lengthy quote right now. Palmer wrote a wonderful book on the family. And this is out of his book. And he is comparing the husband to Christ. And the love of the husband for his wife with the love of the Christ for his church. Once you listen to what he says, and this is so beautiful. He says the second argument of the apostle is the analogy between the husband's love and that of Christ for the church.

[John Weaver] We can afford here only to skirt the edge of this mystery, which is reserved for a later exposition and another connection where the parallel not suggested in Scripture, we should not ourselves dare to conceive of it. Yet in how many striking particulars does it hold good? For example, the free electing sovereign love by which we were chosen in Christ before the foundation of the world to be the subjects of grace is faintly shadowed forth in the priority of the husband's love which pitched upon the one woman out of all of her sex to be his solace and his joy.

[John Weaver] The continuance of Christ's love in which having loved his own, he loved them to the end, is likewise pictured in the law of marriage, which constitutes a union indissoluble until death. Then the immense sacrifice whereby Christ gave himself for the Church finds its type indescribably faint. It is true in the consecration of the husband when forsaking all past associations and fellowship, he cleaves unto his wife and devotes himself to her alone. Still further, the real but mystical union of the believer with Christ through which he becomes a partaker of his life, found its earliest expression in the mystical union of marriage, wherein the two are made one flesh. Again, the gracious love of Christ with which he nourishes and cherishes the Church, by the communication of his Spirit, has an earthly illustration in the providence and toil with which the husband feeds, protects, and comforts her, who is supremely dependent upon his care. The aim of Christ in all this watchful tenderness of his redeeming love is that he might sanctify and cleanse the church, and present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish.

[John Weaver] In like manner have we begun to exhaust the signification of marriage until we comprehend its moral usage in making the parties to the same cure and better for this life and the life to come. To this end, how incumbent it is upon Him, whose nature is the stronger, to bring the support of His will, and the clearness of His judgment, and the majesty of His influence to strengthen and guide and to uphold her, who by the right of her dependence leans upon Him for all this. And how beneficent is the reciprocal effect of true conjugal intercourse between the two when she, by her winning tenderness, softens in him all that is harsh and rough, and he with his kindly firmness upholds and trains those plight graces which bloom the brighter as they twine themselves around his strength.

[John Weaver] Can higher honor be placed upon the husband's love, or can its sacredness be expressed with greater emphasis than by this analogy with the redeeming love of Christ our Lord. Were it always cherished, the husband's supremacy would rest gently upon the wife's obedience, the yoke would be easy, and the burden would be light." Isn't that beautiful? Showing how, really and truly, the husband's love for the wife is to picture the love of Christ for the church.

[John Weaver] Now, very quickly, I've got two other points. Look, if you would, in verses 26 and 27, 26 and 27. Notice, if you would. The Bible says in verse 25, Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word that he might present it to himself, a glorious church.

[John Weaver] nor having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but it should be holy and without blemish." So here is, if you would notice, the purpose of His love. The purpose of His love. The purpose of our Lord's love for the church is to make it a holy, glorious, and godly entity. Our love for our wives is to be as the love of Christ for the church.

[John Weaver] Now, men, let me ask you a question. Here it is. Has your wife become more holy, more obedient and godlier? Because she's been married to you. Is she more sanctified now than when you married her? Are you under her, what Christ is to the church, a sanctifier? That's why he gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. You see, men like to make a point of the fact that the wife is to be in submission to the husband as the church is in submission to Christ. That is true. But it is equally true. that men are to love their wives even as Christ loved the church. And the purpose of that love is to make that wife more holy, more godly, more obedient. And as I said earlier, it's easier for a wife to be in submission to a man who loves her as Christ loved the church.

[John Weaver] So as the wife is to picture the submission of the church to Christ, So the husband is the picture of the love of Christ for the church. Now, one last point. Notice the particularity of this love in verses 28 through 33. Verse 28, saw men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. Isn't that interesting? I want you to think about this. Scripture says he that loveth his wife loveth himself.

[John Weaver] I've taught you that every positive has a negative and every negative has a positive. So if it is true that he that loves his wife loves his own self, turn it upside down, look at the other side. He who does not love his own wife does not really love himself.

[John Weaver] I suppose that could be another real issue in today's marriages. People hate themselves. And they hate themselves because they're disobedient to the word of God. Notice, if you would please, verse 29. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church. So what is he saying? He's saying here, if a man loves his wife, he's not going to neglect her. He's not going to abuse her. He's going to nourish her. He's going to cherish her. He's going to take care of her. He's going to provide for her.

[John Weaver] That's the evidence of the love. What is the evidence that Christ loves the church? He protects us. He provides for us. He communicates with us. He loves us. Verse 31 just demonstrates. Once again, the truth of verses 28 and 29, he says, for this call, shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, they too shall be one flesh. And then notice what he says in verse 33. Nevertheless, and every one of you in particular, so love his wife even as himself. So if you love yourself, you love Christ.

[John Weaver] Now, let me just point out the fact that love does not mean that we never rebuke our wives when they are wrong or wicked. What does our Lord say in Revelation 3 and verse 19? As many as I love, I rebuke. Our Lord rebukes us when we're wrong. Should a husband rebuke his wife when she's wicked or wrong? Well, of course. But rebuke should be done biblically, that is for sure. Does it mean that sometimes that we're never to be angry with the sins of our wives or the wives are never to be angry with the sins of our husbands? Of course not. The Bible says in Ephesians 4 and verse 26, be angry and sin not.

[John Weaver] There is a biblical use of anger, and that biblical use of anger is not to lash out at each other, but to resolve the problem, to resolve the sin. Our Lord rebukes us when we are wrong, and we may rebuke each other in biblical love when the other is wrong. But the husband who loves his wife Now, let me make just a couple of applications. I've already asked this one question, but here it is again.

[John Weaver] Husbands, have your wives become more godly and more holy because they married you? Do you love your wife qualitatively? That is, with the same kind of love that Christ loved the Church? You sit back there and you say, well, yes, yes. Well, suppose I ask your wife, how would she answer it? Let me ask you another question. This is just by way of application. Husbands, I'm talking to you today. When is the last time that you told your wife that you loved her and that you appreciated her? Think about that. When is the last time you've opened the Scripture and taught our principles from the Word of God? When is the last time you've said, like our Lord, I'll never leave you and never forsake you? I've told my wife a hundred times I'm never going to leave her, and if she ever leaves me, She better pack my suitcase because I'm going with her. Now, you see what I'm saying? If we love ourselves, we love our wives. If we don't love ourselves, we do not love our wives.

[John Weaver] Husbands love, wives submit. These two things must always be taken together. They are inseparably bound to each other. And when men demand that their wives submit to them without them loving the wife the way Christ loved the church, they're demanding that which never can be and never will be. And when women demand their husbands love them the way Christ loved the church without being willing to submit to them, they're demanding what never will be and never can be. The two are inseparably bound together. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might present it to himself a glorious church. without spot, without wrinkle. What is God's directive for the husband? Love your wife even as Christ loved the church. And God commands it. You cannot get out of it without sinning against Him. Let's pray.

[John Weaver] Father, we do ask in the name of Jesus Christ that you would help us And teach us and build us up in the most holy faith. The Lord, we do pray for grace that we may fulfill thy commands. May our wives be more godly and more holy, but may we as husbands be more godly and more holy and more loving and more reflective of the love of Christ. And may we always understand we must love from a position of headship. As Christ is the head of the church. Give us grace that we may serve Thee acceptably with reverence and godly fear. In Thy name we pray, Amen.

The Family - Part 7

John Weaver | SermonAudio

Lecture Metadata	Details
Speaker	John Weaver
Source	SermonAudio
Media ID	1211071454245
Subject	Family Government
Course	The Christian Family: Marriage and Household Order: The Family
Genre	Sermon
Date	2007-10-21
Dictation Name
Book	Book 035: The Family — Chapter 7
Source Timed Segments	72

Formatted Transcript

Opening

Ephesians chapter 5, and let's begin reading there with verse 21. Ephesians 5, verse 21:

Scripture Reading — Ephesians 5:21-33

"Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church, for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones."

"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence her husband."

Introduction and Review

Weaver reviews the previous six messages on the family, covering dominion, creation differences, God's order, and the wife's role of submission.

Now, I've been dealing with the biblical doctrine of the family for the last six weeks. And may I just remind you that I covered the first two messages on the dominion aspect of the family and showed you how God had instituted the family to be an instrument of dominion. And certainly that involved authority and responsibility. Then thirdly, I dealt with creation differences and showed you how God has created men and women differently, not just physically, but also emotionally and judgmentally. Then next I showed you God's intentional order in creation. How that God has ordained that here's God, Christ, man, woman, according to 1 Corinthians chapter 11. And over and over how the Bible placed emphasis upon the fact that God created the man first. And so the scripture is teaching us that God has created the man to lead and the woman to follow.

Then we begin to look at the role of the wife. And I shared with you from Scripture that the key word for the wife was the word submit. And the wife was to picture the submission of the church to Jesus Christ. That's why he said in Ephesians chapter 5 verse 24,

Scripture Reading — Ephesians 5:24

"Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."

So the woman's submission to her husband is part and parcel of her submission to Jesus Christ.

The Particular Command: Love Your Wife

The key command for husbands is to love their wives, using the Greek word agapao, which denotes the highest spiritual love, and it is a present middle imperative meaning continuous, progressive action.

Verse 33, "Nevertheless, let every one in particular so love his wife." And Colossians 3, verse 19, it is "Husbands, love your wives." So the key word for the husband is not rule, it's not conquer, it is love. So let's begin today by looking at point one, the particular command. That particular command that God gives the husbands is for the husband to love his wife. So, as God then ordains that the woman is to be in submission to her husband, He also ordains that the husband is to love his wife. Let me point out that in each instance, when the Bible tells the wife to submit to the husband, and when the Bible tells the husband to love the wife, it is a present middle imperative. Now the imperative means it is a command. The present means it is something that you are now doing and something that you continue to do. So what God is telling you is this.

It is not something that can be done once a week, or once a month, or once a year, or once in a lifetime. No. What he is telling us is this, that the wife is to be constantly, continually, progressively submitting herself to her husband, and the husband is to be constantly, continually, progressively loving his wife as Christ also loved the church. So it's not something that can be done once and say, well, I did that last year. No, no, no. It's got to be constant and continuous and progressive.

Now, men, the Greek word for love is the word agapao from agape, which, of course, is the highest form of love. It is the form of love that God gave to us when he gave his son, the Lord Jesus Christ. So it is not mere phileo. Phileo is where we get our word family and philanthropic from. So, it is not just a mere family love or a philanthropic love. No, it is a spiritual love that transcends even the love of the family. Moreover, it is not simply erotic or physical love that God commands. It is His kind of love. It is the highest form. It is spiritual love.

The Position of Love: Headship

Husbands must love from a position of headship, as Christ loves the church as its head, avoiding the extremes of being a passive lackey or a domineering tyrant.

Now, look back in your Bibles, in Ephesians 5 and verse 25, and notice, secondly, the position of this love. He says, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it." Now, listen carefully. While God demands that the husbands love their wives, He also demands that the husband love his wife from a position of headship. "Husband, love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it." Now, how does Christ love the church? Well, He loves the church as her head. I'm going to explain this a little more fully just momentarily. But you must remember that Jesus Christ is seated at the right hand of God the Father. Jesus Christ was given all authority in heaven and earth. Now, it is true that Jesus Christ loves the church. Listen carefully. But his love for the church does not negate or nullify his headship. He is still the head. You follow that? So when the Bible commands husbands to love their wives, the position from which we are to love our wives is that as the head of the wife and the head of the family.

Now let me point out that there are two extremes that must be avoided at all times. And unhappily, these two extremes prevail in most marriages. You can classify most marriages in one of these two extremes. The first one is this. Either the husband, on the one hand, thinks that loving his wife means that he gives in to her every whim, and he allows her to have her way in everything, in every area, in every subject, and he becomes nothing but a lackey and a "yes, dear" man. And the other extreme, on the other hand, is when the husband becomes a demanding, exacting tyrant. Now, here are two extremes. On the one hand, the husband is nothing but a lackey for a domineering wife who assiduously demands that he bow to her every whim. Either way you cut it, in that instance, it's the woman who rules the roost. And unhappily, her daughters will turn out to be exactly the way she is. And if she has any sons, they will also turn out to be lackeys for their wives as well, because they know nothing but female dominance.

I have known women, and I still know some, who make their husbands' lives a living hell on earth. And when they try to stand up to their wives, the wife makes it so difficult that finally the husband just caves in just to have a few moments of peace and to be left alone. Do you know homes like that? Surely you do. On the other hand, I've known some men who are determined not to be ruled by a woman, so much so that they become absolute tyrants, demanding that their wives dot every I and cross every T. And if their wives do not perform exactly the way they demand, the wives are usually verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused. And their attitude is, the wife has to know who's in charge.

I hope I don't need to emphasize or point out that both of these extremes are unbiblical, ungodly, and unchristian. No, we are not to be lackeys, men, nor are we to be tyrants. The position from which the husband is to love the wife is a position of headship. Christ loves the church, but he has never given up his headship. God constituted Christ as the head of the church. And likewise, God has constituted the husband as the head of the home and the head of the wife. So husbands, then, who love their wives must love them from a position of headship. And you've got to understand that that position of headship is always for the good of the wife.

Now, let me make this clear. I did so, I believe, in the last message, but I want to emphasize it again. When God instituted the husband as the head of the wife, and when God instituted the husband as the head of the family, He did not institute or give that husband authority to harm, hurt, devastate, or destroy his wife. He did not elevate the man to be a lackey, nor did He elevate the man to be a tyrant. He elevated the man so that the man's position would be reflective of his own position. And as Christ loved the church, so the husband is to love the wife. Now listen to me. That means this. If you are loving from a position of headship, that does not mean that love always allows the wife to have her way. Well, of course not. Does Christ always allow the church to have her way? No. But it also means, loving from a position of headship, that she must never have her way. Does the church sometimes have her way?

Yes, when it's for our benefit and we're obedient, of course. So loving from a position of headship means this, that the husband is always looking out for the best interest of the wife in providing for, in protecting her as well. He loves her, but it's from a position of headship. He's not being a lackey. He's not being a tyrant. He's being honest, he's being biblical, and he's looking out for the best interest of his wife. So the position, then, from which we must love our wives is the position of headship.

The Purity of Love: Qualitatively Like Christ

The phrase 'even as' (kathos) indicates that husbands are to love their wives with the same quality of love Christ has for the church, not quantitatively but in kind.

Now, I want to call your attention to two tiny little words in this verse. "Husbands, love your wives," here they are, "even as." Those two little words are from the Greek word kathos, which literally mean "as," "even as," "according as," or "according to." Now, if we want to really understand these two words "even as," we could translate them another way. We could read it like this. "Husbands love your wives equal to, or commensurate with, or reflective of the love that Christ has for the church. Love your wives even as." Now let me make a very demanding point. Obviously, when God commands us to love our wives as Christ loved the church, we cannot love them quantitatively the way Christ loved the church because Christ is God. And therefore, Christ can love in a far greater degree than you and I could ever possibly imagine. So he is not demanding that we love our wives quantitatively the way Christ loves the church. But what he is demanding is this, that we love our wives qualitatively. That is, we have the same kind of love for our wives that Christ had for the church.

That's the kind of love that led Christ to the cross to suffer and bleed and die for the church. What the Lord is telling us is this, we must learn as husbands to exercise the same quality of love toward our wives as Christ did for his church. So as the wife's role is to picture the submission of the church to Jesus Christ, so the husband's role is to picture the love of Christ for his church as he loves his wife. I hope he doesn't love his husband for sure. As the husband loves his wife. Now, in order for you and I to discover how Christ loved the church, we've got to ask this question. How did Christ love the church? If we understand how Christ loved the church, we can understand how Christ wants husbands to love their wives. Now, look at verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives, even as"—equal to, commensurate with—the way Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the church? First of all, Christ loved the church realistically.

Christ Loved the Church Realistically

Christ loved the church realistically, knowing our sinfulness, and husbands must love their wives realistically, accepting their faults and imperfections without bitterness.

Realistically, let me ask you a question. When Christ set his love upon us, what were we like? Were we perfect? Were we pure and holy and just and righteous? Think about that. And while you're thinking, let me give you a verse. Romans 5, verses 6-8. Romans 5, verses 6-8. Listen. The Bible says,

Scripture Reading — Romans 5:6-8

"For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die, yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

Now what does the Bible say? The Bible says, in due time, Christ died for the ungodly. And while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Do you think that Jesus Christ thought that when he came to this world to die for us, that he was dying to save a perfect people who would always be obedient and always want to do that which was right and holy?

You think that's what he thought? I don't think so. I don't think there's a bit of misconception in his mind. You remember what he said in Luke 19 and verse 10?

Scripture Reading — Luke 19:10

"I came not to save that which was righteous, but that which was lost."

He came to seek and to save that which was lost. How did he love us? He loved us realistically. He loved us the way we were. Have you heard the old adage, "love is blind"? That's really not true.

I know what they mean by that. But love is not blind. Love is realistic. That is, real love is realistic. Biblical love is realistic. And Christ loved the church realistically, and what he's saying is that we should learn to love our wives realistically. We've got to understand there is no such thing as a perfect church. Usually, I tell people, if you ever find a perfect church, don't join it. You'll mess it up. Now, what am I saying? There's no such thing as a perfect church. Listen, men. Because there's no such thing as a perfect wife. If there's no perfect church, there's no perfect wife. All of our wives have faults, failings, blemishes and scars. That's it. But our love is not to be diminished because of their faults, their failings, their blemishes or their scars.

Let me go further, let me explain that. Our wives may not be a beauty queen. They may not have the greatest intellect. They may no longer have their schoolgirl figure. But that should never diminish our love. I know of one young man who told his young wife that he never wanted her to gain weight, and that if they wanted a happy marriage, she had to keep her schoolgirl figure. May I point out that that was highly unrealistic. Either, number one, she will never grow physically, or number two, she will never have children, or number three, she will die at a very early age.

What am I talking about? All the men in here could truthfully say, I'm not the man I used to be. Well, our wives are not what they used to be either. We grow old, we age, we have problems. When I say we are to love our wives realistically, you know, it's interesting that in Colossians 3 and verse 19, the Bible says this, "Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them." You know what bitterness is? You know what causes bitterness? Bitterness comes when our expectations are unfulfilled.

She's just not cracked up to be what I thought she was going to be. She's just not acting the way I thought she should act. She's just not treating me the way I think I should be treated. Our bitterness always shows when we speak to our wives with contempt, sarcasm, and ridicule, or when we give them the silent treatment. We just won't speak. Unrealistic expectations always lead to bitterness. Now, I want you to think about this. Help me out now. The Bible says "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it," right?

Now there's a comparison here. So, man, let me ask you this. Suppose Christ became bitter with you and became resentful with you because of all of your sin, all of your failings, all of your faults, and you have never measured up to be what he thinks you should be. Let me ask you, husbands, would you like for Christ to give you the silent treatment? Would you like for Christ to ridicule you and become sarcastic with you? You say, but pastor. My wife has not turned out the way that I thought she would turn out. Well, have you turned out the way that Christ desired you to turn out? Let's understand something, folks. If you would read 1 Corinthians 13, I think there's a little phrase there that goes like this, "love beareth all things." And the next time you get anxious because your wife has gained a few pounds, she has wrinkles, she has crow's feet, it may be time that you looked in the mirror yourself.

And you're going to find that your hair is not as full as it once was. And what's really bad is when our ears have more hair than our head does. And you'd understand, and I can say this in South Georgia lingo, we're not as suave and debonair as we used to be, sort of suave and have an air. We're not.

We must consider the fact that realistically, our wives are sinners just like we are. And therefore, they're going to have their faults and their failings and they're going to have their problems, they are not going to be perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect wife and ladies, I hate to burst your bubble, but I'll go ahead and say it. There's no such thing as a perfect husband. There's not. Because we're all sinners. But Christ loved the church realistically, there was no misconception in his mind, he knew we were wicked, he knew we were sinners, he knew we were ungodly, but he loved us anyway. Secondly, look back in verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it." He not only loved us realistically, he loved us exclusively. Scripture emphasizes the fact that he loved the church. Listen carefully. He did not love the world particularly. He loved the church particularly. What does that mean? That means husbands are to love their own peculiar and particular wives.

Christ Loved the Church Exclusively

Christ's love for the church is a special, redemptive love distinct from general benevolence; husbands must love their own wives exclusively, not other women.

That is the one that belongs to them. They are not to love their neighbor's wife. Now let me try to enlarge upon this just for a moment. In order to understand this distinction, you must understand the distinction between the love of benevolence in the Bible and God's special redemptive love. Now, I just said earlier that Christ did not love the world the way he loved the church. And before you begin quoting John 3:16, let me explain what I mean. Yes, there is a sense in which God loves the world benevolently. The benevolent love of God is revealed in the fact, in Matthew 5, that he causes the sun to rise upon the just and the unjust alike. He sends showers upon the just and the unjust alike.

Peter said in Acts chapter 14 verse 17, listen to this, "Nevertheless he left not himself without witness, in that he did good, and gave us rain from heaven, and fruitful seasons, filling our hearts with food and gladness." Yes, that is a benevolent love. What is a benevolent love? That's when you love people in the sense that you do not wish them any harm, you do not wish them any ill, and you're more than willing to do things for them. But that does not mean that you love them with a special, particular, redemptive love. God has not shown that to the world. He's shown that to His church. Someone says, but wait a minute, brother Weaver, you don't understand. The Lord loves everyone alike and he loves everyone exactly the same way. Oh. Do you mean to tell me that God loved Esau exactly the way he loved Jacob? Do you mean to tell me that God loved Judas in the same way and in the same degree that he loved the Apostle Paul? Do you mean to tell me that God loves those who are condemned to death and hell in the same way that He loves His church? I don't think so. But I'm going to tell you what, if judgment and death and hell are acts of God's love, truthfully, I don't want to be loved like that.

You and I both know there's a difference. I'll show it to you. Look in your Bible to John 17. John 17 is the high priestly prayer of our Lord. And look what he prays for. John 17. And notice, if you would please, verse 9. Look what the Bible says. Our Lord is praying. He's praying for his own. I'm going to make an application of this just for a moment. Watch this. John 17, verse 9, our Lord says, "I pray for them," that is, His believers, His church.

Scripture Reading — John 17:9

"I pray for them. I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me, for they are thine."

Well, you say, well, our Lord loves everybody alike. Well, if He loved everybody alike, why did He not pray for everybody alike? No, He does not love everybody the same way.

That is why the Saints, as you will read through the scripture, the Saints are always called the beloved of the Lord. Now, does our Lord act graciously and mercifully toward all? Of course he does. That's why they have life. That's why they have food. That's why they have family. But that does not mean that he loves them in that special, redemptive way. He has not chosen to save everyone by grace through faith in the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Now, what is he saying? "Husbands, love your wives even as Christ loved the church." It is an exclusive love. I could say, truthfully, that I love every woman in this room. And I do. I don't want them to die of cancer. I don't want them to be in a car wreck and killed. I don't want them to be deprived and do without. I could say truthfully, I love every woman in this room. But I could also say I love my wife. And I don't love everyone in this room the way I love my wife. If I loved every woman in this room the way I love my wife, I would be in real problems. And I'm going to tell you, I can truthfully say that any man who tries to love my wife the way he loves his wife is going to be in bore water problems himself. And I would hope that every man in this congregation and every other man would feel the same way if I tried to make advances towards your wife.

No, God says you love your wives. You love your own peculiar, particular wife. What does he say? If you love your wife, that means there's not going to be any cases of infatuation. There's not going to be any cases of lust and playing around. No, no. You're to resist all temptation. We must understand we're to love our wives. Now, watch this. When God says "Husbands, love your wives," here's a very important truth. Listen to this. Love is an act of a will. Love is not necessarily an emotion. Since love is an act of the will, it can be commanded. "Husbands, love your wives." And of course, by implication, the wife is to love the husband. Love is an act of the will. We will to love.

Christ Loved the Church Sacrificially

Christ gave Himself for the church, and husbands must love sacrificially, putting their wives first above friends and personal pleasures, as love is an act of the will.

It's something that you must do and that you must work at on a daily basis. Now, please understand, mark it down. God commands you to love your wife. You can't get out of it. Whichever woman God has given you, God commands you to love her and he commands you to love her as Christ loved the church. He gave her to you in his providence. And now he commands you to love her. Now, thirdly, very quickly, Christ not only loved the church realistically, exclusively, He loved the church sacrificially. Look what the Bible says, Ephesians 5, verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it." The essence of love is to spend itself for another.

Now, men, I want you to listen to me. Listen carefully. Here's what the Scripture says, "Husbands, love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it." I want you to underline this in your mind. Scripture does not say that Christ gave of Himself. It says that Christ gave Himself. What's that mean? It means we must love our wives sacrificially. Listen carefully. Lust and infatuation may lead a man into marriage, but only sacrificial love will keep him there. And once a man is married, the wife is to be number one in his life.

Friends, associates and all other pleasures take a back seat. I've known men who've gotten married and who wanted to keep up their time with the boys. Hunt all night, fish all weekend, spend all of their time with their friends. As we say in South Georgia, that dog won't hunt. If you treat your wife like that, I can assure you of one thing. Those who sacrifice their wives for their friends will soon only have friends and no wives. Once you marry, that wife becomes your best friend, your number one companion, and all else take a back seat. Period. She comes first.

Doesn't mean you can't go hunting. Doesn't mean you can't go fishing. Sometimes wives appreciate the fact that you're gone for a couple of days. But you make sure you pay close attention to her. I often tell my wife, I don't see how she gets anything done when I'm away from her because I'm not there to give her orders. And she tells me that she can get 10 times more done when I'm not there to give her the orders. But be honest, you cannot sacrifice your wife for your friends, period.

Now, listen to what he said. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it." Now, I want to give you a rather lengthy quote right now. Palmer wrote a wonderful book on the family. And this is out of his book. And he is comparing the husband to Christ and the love of the husband for his wife with the love of the Christ for his church. Once you listen to what he says, and this is so beautiful. He says, "The second argument of the apostle is the analogy between the husband's love and that of Christ for the church.

The Purpose of Love: Sanctification

The purpose of Christ's love is to sanctify and cleanse the church; likewise, a husband's love should help his wife become more holy and godly.

not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish." So here is, if you would notice, the purpose of His love. The purpose of His love. The purpose of our Lord's love for the church is to make it a holy, glorious, and godly entity. Our love for our wives is to be as the love of Christ for the church.

Now, men, let me ask you a question. Here it is. Has your wife become more holy, more obedient and godlier because she's been married to you? Is she more sanctified now than when you married her? Are you to her, what Christ is to the church, a sanctifier? That's why he gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. You see, men like to make a point of the fact that the wife is to be in submission to the husband as the church is in submission to Christ. That is true. But it is equally true that men are to love their wives even as Christ loved the church. And the purpose of that love is to make that wife more holy, more godly, more obedient. And as I said earlier, it's easier for a wife to be in submission to a man who loves her as Christ loved the church.

So as the wife is to picture the submission of the church to Christ, so the husband is the picture of the love of Christ for the church. Now, one last point. Notice the particularity of this love in verses 28 through 33. Verse 28, "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself." Isn't that interesting? I want you to think about this. Scripture says he that loveth his wife loveth himself.

The Particularity of Love: As One's Own Body

Loving one's wife is loving oneself; a husband nourishes and cherishes his wife as his own flesh, reflecting the union of marriage.

I've taught you that every positive has a negative and every negative has a positive. So if it is true that he that loves his wife loves his own self, turn it upside down, look at the other side. He who does not love his own wife does not really love himself.

I suppose that could be another real issue in today's marriages. People hate themselves. And they hate themselves because they're disobedient to the word of God. Notice, if you would please, verse 29. "For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church." So what is he saying? He's saying here, if a man loves his wife, he's not going to neglect her. He's not going to abuse her. He's going to nourish her. He's going to cherish her. He's going to take care of her. He's going to provide for her.

That's the evidence of the love. What is the evidence that Christ loves the church? He protects us. He provides for us. He communicates with us. He loves us. Verse 31 just demonstrates once again the truth of verses 28 and 29, he says, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, they two shall be one flesh." And then notice what he says in verse 33. "Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself." So if you love yourself, you love Christ.

Conclusion and Application

Husbands must examine whether their love has made their wives more godly, express love regularly, and understand that love and submission are inseparably bound.

Husbands, have your wives become more godly and more holy because they married you? Do you love your wife qualitatively? That is, with the same kind of love that Christ loved the Church? You sit back there and you say, well, yes, yes. Well, suppose I ask your wife, how would she answer it? Let me ask you another question. This is just by way of application. Husbands, I'm talking to you today. When is the last time that you told your wife that you loved her and that you appreciated her? Think about that. When is the last time you've opened the Scripture and taught her principles from the Word of God? When is the last time you've said, like our Lord, "I'll never leave you and never forsake you"? I've told my wife a hundred times I'm never going to leave her, and if she ever leaves me, she better pack my suitcase because I'm going with her. Now, you see what I'm saying? If we love ourselves, we love our wives. If we don't love ourselves, we do not love our wives.

Husbands love, wives submit. These two things must always be taken together. They are inseparably bound to each other. And when men demand that their wives submit to them without them loving the wife the way Christ loved the church, they're demanding that which never can be and never will be. And when women demand their husbands love them the way Christ loved the church without being willing to submit to them, they're demanding what never will be and never can be. The two are inseparably bound together. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, without spot, without wrinkle. What is God's directive for the husband? Love your wife even as Christ loved the church. And God commands it. You cannot get out of it without sinning against Him. Let's pray.

Study Guide

Major Themes

Husband's Command to Love

Summary: The primary biblical command for husbands is to love their wives with agape love, a continuous, willful, spiritual love that reflects Christ's love for the church.

Evidence: Weaver states, 'the key word for the husband is not rule, it's not conquer, it is love' and explains the present middle imperative (316.6-352.8s).

Love from a Position of Headship

Summary: Husbands must love their wives from the position of headship, as Christ loves the church as its head, avoiding the extremes of being a lackey or a tyrant.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'the position from which the husband is to love the wife is a position of headship' and explains the two extremes (632.7-1065.6s).

Qualitative Love Like Christ

Summary: The love commanded is qualitative, not quantitative; husbands must love with the same kind of self-sacrificial love Christ demonstrated.

Evidence: Weaver explains 'even as' (kathos) and says, 'we cannot love them quantitatively... but what he is demanding is this, that we love our wives qualitatively' (1085.1-1302.5s).

Realistic Love

Summary: Christ loved the church realistically, knowing our sin; husbands must love their wives realistically, accepting their faults without bitterness.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'Christ loved the church realistically... there's no such thing as a perfect wife' and warns against bitterness from unmet expectations (1304.9-1875.0s).

Exclusive Love

Summary: Christ's love for the church is a special, redemptive love; husbands must love their own wives exclusively, not other women.

Evidence: Weaver distinguishes benevolent love from redemptive love and says, 'you love your own peculiar, particular wife' (1875.1-2247.2s).

Sacrificial Love

Summary: Christ gave Himself for the church; husbands must love sacrificially, putting their wives first, as love is an act of the will, not just emotion.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'Scripture does not say that Christ gave of Himself. It says that Christ gave Himself' and emphasizes love as an act of the will (2453.5-2763.8s).

Sanctifying Purpose of Love

Summary: The purpose of Christ's love is to sanctify the church; a husband's love should help his wife become more holy and godly.

Evidence: Weaver asks, 'Has your wife become more holy, more obedient and godlier because she's been married to you?' (3017.2-3140.2s).

Inseparability of Love and Submission

Summary: The husband's love and the wife's submission are inseparably bound; one cannot be demanded without the other.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'Husbands love, wives submit. These two things must always be taken together. They are inseparably bound to each other' (3448.6-3539.0s).

Key Arguments

Love is a Command, Not an Option

Summary: God commands husbands to love their wives; it is not optional or based on feelings but an act of the will that must be continually exercised.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'God has placed you under commandment oriented life. It is an act of the will. You must love your wife' (2328.0-2367.8s).

Headship is for the Wife's Good

Summary: The husband's headship is not for tyranny or passivity but for the protection and benefit of the wife, reflecting Christ's headship over the church.

Evidence: Weaver states, 'that position of headship is always for the good of the wife' and explains it is not to harm or destroy (941.2-1028.9s).

Unrealistic Expectations Lead to Bitterness

Summary: Bitterness in marriage often stems from unmet, unrealistic expectations; husbands must love realistically, accepting their wives' imperfections.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'Bitterness comes when our expectations are unfulfilled' and warns against contempt and sarcasm (1622.9-1666.6s).

Exclusive Love Prevents Infidelity

Summary: Loving one's wife exclusively means resisting temptation and not loving other women in the same way, safeguarding the marriage.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'If you love your wife, that means there's not going to be any cases of infatuation... You're to resist all temptation' (2191.9-2247.2s).

Sacrificial Love Prioritizes the Wife

Summary: Once married, the wife becomes the husband's primary companion; friends and hobbies must take a back seat to the marriage relationship.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'Once you marry, that wife becomes your best friend, your number one companion, and all else take a back seat' (2595.9-2668.8s).

Love Aims at Spiritual Growth

Summary: A husband's love should have the goal of sanctifying his wife, helping her grow in holiness, just as Christ's love sanctifies the church.

Evidence: Weaver asks, 'Has your wife become more holy, more obedient and godlier because she's been married to you?' (3017.2-3106.8s).

Loving Wife is Loving Self

Summary: Scripture teaches that loving one's wife is equivalent to loving oneself; failure to love her indicates a lack of proper self-love.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'He who does not love his own wife does not really love himself' (3142.5-3163.8s).

Mutual Dependence of Love and Submission

Summary: The husband's love and the wife's submission are interdependent; demanding one without the other is unbiblical and ineffective.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'when men demand that their wives submit to them without them loving the wife... they're demanding that which never can be' (3448.6-3539.0s).

Scripture References

Ephesians 5:21-33

Context: The primary passage read and expounded, covering mutual submission, the wife's submission, and the husband's love as Christ loved the church.

Ephesians 5:24

Context: Cited to show that the wife's submission to her husband is part of her submission to Christ.

Ephesians 5:25

Context: Repeatedly referenced as the command for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church.

Ephesians 5:28

Context: Cited to emphasize that men ought to love their wives as their own bodies.

Ephesians 5:33

Context: Referenced to reiterate the command for each husband to love his wife as himself.

Colossians 3:19

Context: Quoted to show the parallel command: 'Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.'

1 Corinthians 11

Context: Mentioned in review as teaching God's order: God, Christ, man, woman.

Romans 5:6-8

Context: Quoted to demonstrate that Christ died for the ungodly while we were yet sinners, showing realistic love.

Luke 19:10

Context: Cited: 'I came not to save that which was righteous, but that which was lost,' illustrating Christ's realistic love.

John 17:9

Context: Quoted to show Christ's exclusive love: 'I pray for them: I pray not for the world.'

Matthew 5

Context: Referenced regarding God's benevolent love causing sun and rain on just and unjust.

Acts 14:17

Context: Quoted to illustrate God's benevolent love through provision of rain and fruitful seasons.

1 Corinthians 13

Context: Alluded to with 'love beareth all things' in the context of realistic love.

Revelation 3:19

Context: Quoted: 'As many as I love, I rebuke,' to show that love includes biblical rebuke.

Ephesians 4:26

Context: Quoted: 'Be angry and sin not,' to indicate there is a biblical use of anger in resolving sin.

Historical References

Jamieson, Fausset and Brown Commentary

Context: Weaver quotes this commentary on the measure of love corresponding to the measure of obedience.

John Gill's Commentary

Context: Weaver reads an extended quote from John Gill describing the nature of a husband's love for his wife.

Palmer's Book on the Family

Context: Weaver reads a lengthy quote from Palmer drawing analogies between the husband's love and Christ's love for the church.

Important Quotes

A woman who is not rightly submitted to her husband is not right with God.

Significance: Emphasizes the spiritual seriousness of the wife's submission as part of her relationship with God.

The husband who does not love his wife the way Christ loved the church is not right with God either.

Significance: Balances the previous statement, showing that the husband's failure to love is equally a sin against God.

The key word for the husband is not rule, it's not conquer, it is love.

Significance: Defines the central command for husbands, countering cultural expectations of dominance.

Lust and infatuation may lead a man into marriage, but only sacrificial love will keep him there.

Significance: Highlights the necessity of sacrificial, willful love for the endurance of marriage.

Love is an act of a will. Love is not necessarily an emotion.

Significance: Establishes that biblical love is a choice and command, not a fleeting feeling.

He who does not love his own wife does not really love himself.

Significance: Draws a logical conclusion from Ephesians 5:28, linking self-love to love of spouse.

Husbands love, wives submit. These two things must always be taken together. They are inseparably bound to each other.

Significance: Summarizes the mutual dependence of the marital roles as taught in Ephesians 5.

Discussion Questions

What does it mean to love your wife 'even as Christ loved the church' in practical, daily terms?

Context: Weaver explains that this love is qualitative, realistic, exclusive, and sacrificial.

How can a husband balance headship with sacrificial love without becoming either a tyrant or a passive lackey?

Context: Weaver warns against the two extremes and says headship is for the wife's good.

Why is it important to understand that love is an act of the will rather than just an emotion?

Context: Weaver argues that love can be commanded because it is a choice, not a feeling.

In what ways can unrealistic expectations lead to bitterness in marriage, and how can they be avoided?

Context: Weaver says bitterness comes from unfulfilled expectations and urges realistic love.

How does a husband's love contribute to the sanctification and spiritual growth of his wife?

Context: Weaver asks whether wives have become more holy because of their husbands' love.

What are some practical ways a husband can demonstrate exclusive love for his wife?

Context: Weaver discusses the distinction between benevolent love and special redemptive love.

How does the analogy of Christ and the church shape our understanding of the husband-wife relationship?

Context: Weaver reads Palmer's quote detailing the parallels between Christ's love and a husband's love.

Why are love and submission described as inseparably bound, and what happens when one is demanded without the other?

Context: Weaver concludes that demanding one without the other leads to impossibility.

Applications

Examine Your Love Qualitatively

Summary: Husbands should evaluate whether they love their wives with the same kind of self-sacrificial, realistic, and exclusive love Christ has for the church.

Evidence: Weaver asks, 'Do you love your wife qualitatively? That is, with the same kind of love that Christ loved the Church?' (3343.2-3443.7s).

Express Love and Appreciation Regularly

Summary: Husbands should frequently tell their wives they love them, appreciate them, and teach them from Scripture.

Evidence: Weaver asks, 'When is the last time that you told your wife that you loved her and that you appreciated her?' (3343.2-3443.7s).

Avoid Bitterness by Adjusting Expectations

Summary: Husbands must guard against bitterness by accepting their wives' imperfections and not holding unrealistic expectations.

Evidence: Weaver warns, 'Unrealistic expectations always lead to bitterness' (1622.9-1666.6s).

Prioritize Your Wife Above All Others

Summary: After marriage, a husband must make his wife his primary companion, putting friends and hobbies in second place.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'Once you marry, that wife becomes your best friend, your number one companion, and all else take a back seat' (2595.9-2668.8s).

Love as an Act of the Will

Summary: Husbands must choose to love their wives daily, regardless of feelings, obeying God's command.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'I will to love her every day. And I pray and I ask God to help me to love her' (2409.8-2452.3s).

Seek Your Wife's Spiritual Growth

Summary: A husband's love should aim to help his wife become more holy and godly, reflecting Christ's sanctifying work.

Evidence: Weaver asks, 'Has your wife become more holy, more obedient and godlier because she's been married to you?' (3017.2-3106.8s).

Rebuke in Love When Necessary

Summary: Love includes biblical rebuke when a spouse is wrong, but it must be done without sin, aiming at resolution.

Evidence: Weaver cites Revelation 3:19 and Ephesians 4:26 to show that love and rebuke can coexist (3253.1-3340.2s).

Embrace Mutual Dependence of Roles

Summary: Husbands should not demand submission without providing Christ-like love, recognizing the roles are inseparable.

Evidence: Weaver says, 'when men demand that their wives submit to them without them loving the wife... they're demanding that which never can be' (3448.6-3539.0s).

deepseek | deepseek-v4-pro | clean_readable_transcript | 2026-06-05T17:33:28Z

deepseek | deepseek-v4-pro | weaver_study | 2026-06-06T08:39:31Z

Clean Transcript

The Family - Part 7

Clean readable transcript. This view follows the Commentary.net cleaned segment text while preserving timestamps for audio follow-along.

Ephesians chapter 5, and let's begin reading there with verse 21. Ephesians 5, verse 21: "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church, for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones."
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"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence her husband."
#2 | 0:57 to 1:15 | cleaned
Now, I've been dealing with the biblical doctrine of the family for the last six weeks. And may I just remind you that I covered the first two messages on the dominion aspect of the family and showed you how God had instituted the family to be an instrument of dominion. And certainly that involved authority and responsibility. Then thirdly, I dealt with creation differences and showed you how God has created men and women differently, not just physically, but also emotionally and judgmentally. Then next I showed you God's intentional order in creation. How that God has ordained that here's God, Christ, man, woman, according to 1 Corinthians chapter 11. And over and over how the Bible placed emphasis upon the fact that God created the man first. And so the scripture is teaching us that God has created the man to lead and the woman to follow.
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Then we begin to look at the role of the wife. And I shared with you from Scripture that the key word for the wife was the word submit. And the wife was to picture the submission of the church to Jesus Christ. That's why he said in Ephesians chapter 5 verse 24, "Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." So the woman's submission to her husband is part and parcel of her submission to Jesus Christ.
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Now let me make a statement, and I made this before I left on this last trip, and I'm emphasizing it again. A woman who is not rightly submitted to her husband is not right with God. But now don't get bent out of shape over that because, let me go further, the husband who does not love his wife the way Christ loved the church is not right with God either. In other words, God has ordained individual roles in marriage. And the role of the wife is that she is to represent and typify and be emblematical of the submission of the Church to Jesus Christ. And that of the husband is that he is to picture and represent Christ's love to the Church. Since the key word for wife is submit, and we looked at it all through Scripture, you would automatically think that the key word for the husband would be rule or conquer. But it's neither. If you look in Ephesians 5 in verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives." Verse 28, "So ought men to love their wives."
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Verse 33, "Nevertheless, let every one in particular so love his wife." And Colossians 3, verse 19, it is "Husbands, love your wives." So the key word for the husband is not rule, it's not conquer, it is love. So let's begin today by looking at point one, the particular command. That particular command that God gives the husbands is for the husband to love his wife. So, as God then ordains that the woman is to be in submission to her husband, He also ordains that the husband is to love his wife. Let me point out that in each instance, when the Bible tells the wife to submit to the husband, and when the Bible tells the husband to love the wife, it is a present middle imperative. Now the imperative means it is a command. The present means it is something that you are now doing and something that you continue to do. So what God is telling you is this.
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It is not something that can be done once a week, or once a month, or once a year, or once in a lifetime. No. What he is telling us is this, that the wife is to be constantly, continually, progressively submitting herself to her husband, and the husband is to be constantly, continually, progressively loving his wife as Christ also loved the church. So it's not something that can be done once and say, well, I did that last year. No, no, no. It's got to be constant and continuous and progressive.
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Now, men, the Greek word for love is the word agapao from agape, which, of course, is the highest form of love. It is the form of love that God gave to us when he gave his son, the Lord Jesus Christ. So it is not mere phileo. Phileo is where we get our word family and philanthropic from. So, it is not just a mere family love or a philanthropic love. No, it is a spiritual love that transcends even the love of the family. Moreover, it is not simply erotic or physical love that God commands. It is His kind of love. It is the highest form. It is spiritual love.
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Now, let me show you how we, as fallen human beings, turn everything upside down. Fallen man always begins with the physical or the fleshly. Usually men are attracted to women, women are attracted to men, not because of some spiritual insight, not because of some deep, holy, godly love, but just simply because of lust or infatuation. And then once they are attracted physically, then hopefully once they marry, they might reach that familial or family love, and only by the supernatural grace of God will they ever reach the agape or the spiritual love. Now, what God says is, look, we've got it upside down. We should always start with the highest form of love.
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If we begin with that, the other types are very easily achieved. But when you turn it upside down and begin from the bottom up, then you've got a real, genuine struggle.
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Now, let me give you two quick comments. When the Bible commands husbands to love their wives, here's what the commentators Jamieson, Fausset and Brown said. Now, listen carefully. "That has seen the measure of obedience. Now, here also the measure of love. Do you wish your wife to obey you as the church is to obey Christ? Then have a solicitude for her as Christ had for the church." So rather bluntly, he said this, if you want your wife to submit to you men the way God demands, then you love her the way God demands.
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Now, John Gill went a little bit further, and I think this is so beautiful. Listen to what he said. He's now explaining the phrase "husbands love your wives." Here's what he says. "Husbands love your wives, which consists in a strong and cordial affection for them, in a real delight and pleasure in them, in showing respect and doing honor to them, in seeking their contentment, satisfaction and pleasure, in a quiet, constant and comfortable dwelling with them, in providing all things necessary for them, in protecting
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them from all injuries and abuses, in concealing their faults and covering their infirmities and entertaining the best opinion of their persons and actions and in endeavoring to promote their spiritual good and welfare. This love ought to be hearty and sincere and not feigned and selfish. It should be shown in private as well as in public. It should be chaste and single, constant and perpetual. It should exceed that which is born to neighbors, or even to parents, and should be equal to that a man bears to himself, though not so as to hinder or break upon the love to God in Christ."
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Many of the reasons why husbands should love their wives, they are given to them to be helps unto them, they are companions of them, they are wives of the covenant, they are their own wives, yea, their own bodies, their own flesh, nay, as themselves. They are their image and their glory, and especially the example of Christ in His love to His church, and people should engage in it.
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Now, when the Bible says, "Husbands, love your wives," I want you to understand that this particular command, then, is discussing the husband's love for his wife on the absolute highest plane imaginable. That of real spiritual love. So here, then, is this particular command, "Husbands, love your wives."
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Now, look back in your Bibles, in Ephesians 5 and verse 25, and notice, secondly, the position of this love. He says, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it." Now, listen carefully. While God demands that the husbands love their wives, He also demands that the husband love his wife from a position of headship. "Husband, love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it." Now, how does Christ love the church? Well, He loves the church as her head.
#16 | 10:32 to 11:20 | cleaned
I'm going to explain this a little more fully just momentarily. But you must remember that Jesus Christ is seated at the right hand of God the Father. Jesus Christ was given all authority in heaven and earth. Now, it is true that Jesus Christ loves the church. Listen carefully. But his love for the church does not negate or nullify his headship. He is still the head. You follow that? So when the Bible commands husbands to love their wives, the position from which we are to love our wives is that as the head of the wife and the head of the family.
#17 | 11:21 to 12:06 | cleaned
Now let me point out that there are two extremes that must be avoided at all times. And unhappily, these two extremes prevail in most marriages. You can classify most marriages in one of these two extremes. The first one is this. Either the husband, on the one hand, thinks that loving his wife means that he gives in to her every whim, and he allows her to have her way in everything, in every area, in every subject, and he becomes nothing but a lackey and a "yes, dear" man. And the other extreme, on the other hand, is when the husband becomes a demanding, exacting tyrant. Now, here are two extremes. On the one hand, the husband is nothing but a lackey for a domineering wife who assiduously demands that he bow to her every whim. Either way you cut it, in that instance, it's the woman who rules the roost. And unhappily, her daughters will turn out to be exactly the way she is. And if she has any sons, they will also turn out to be lackeys for their wives as well, because they know nothing but female dominance.
#18 | 12:07 to 13:42 | cleaned
I have known women, and I still know some, who make their husbands' lives a living hell on earth. And when they try to stand up to their wives, the wife makes it so difficult that finally the husband just caves in just to have a few moments of peace and to be left alone. Do you know homes like that? Surely you do.
#19 | 13:44 to 14:17 | cleaned
On the other hand, I've known some men who are determined not to be ruled by a woman, so much so that they become absolute tyrants, demanding that their wives dot every I and cross every T. And if their wives do not perform exactly the way they demand, the wives are usually verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused. And their attitude is, the wife has to know who's in charge.
#20 | 14:19 to 14:44 | cleaned
I hope I don't need to emphasize or point out that both of these extremes are unbiblical, ungodly, and unchristian. No, we are not to be lackeys, men, nor are we to be tyrants. The position from which the husband is to love the wife is a position of headship. Christ loves the church, but he has never given up his headship. God constituted Christ as the head of the church. And likewise, God has constituted the husband as the head of the home and the head of the wife. So husbands, then, who love their wives must love them from a position of headship. And you've got to understand that that position of headship is always for the good of the wife.
#21 | 14:49 to 15:40 | cleaned
Now, let me make this clear. I did so, I believe, in the last message, but I want to emphasize it again. When God instituted the husband as the head of the wife, and when God instituted the husband as the head of the family, He did not institute or give that husband authority to harm, hurt, devastate, or destroy his wife. He did not elevate the man to be a lackey, nor did He elevate the man to be a tyrant. He elevated the man so that the man's position would be reflective of his own position. And as Christ loved the church, so the husband is to love the wife. Now listen to me. That means this. If you are loving from a position of headship, that does not mean that love always allows the wife to have her way. Well, of course not. Does Christ always allow the church to have her way? No. But it also means, loving from a position of headship, that she must never have her way. Does the church sometimes have her way?
#22 | 15:41 to 17:08 | cleaned
Yes, when it's for our benefit and we're obedient, of course. So loving from a position of headship means this, that the husband is always looking out for the best interest of the wife in providing for, in protecting her as well. He loves her, but it's from a position of headship. He's not being a lackey. He's not being a tyrant. He's being honest, he's being biblical, and he's looking out for the best interest of his wife. So the position, then, from which we must love our wives is the position of headship.
#23 | 17:08 to 17:45 | cleaned
Now, look back, if you would, at verse 25, Ephesians 5. Here's the third point, the purity or the quality of the love. He says in verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it."
#24 | 17:45 to 18:04 | cleaned
Now, I want to call your attention to two tiny little words in this verse. "Husbands, love your wives," here they are, "even as." Those two little words are from the Greek word kathos, which literally mean "as," "even as," "according as," or "according to." Now, if we want to really understand these two words "even as," we could translate them another way. We could read it like this. "Husbands love your wives equal to, or commensurate with, or reflective of the love that Christ has for the church. Love your wives even as." Now let me make a very demanding point. Obviously, when God commands us to love our wives as Christ loved the church, we cannot love them quantitatively the way Christ loved the church because Christ is God. And therefore, Christ can love in a far greater degree than you and I could ever possibly imagine. So he is not demanding that we love our wives quantitatively the way Christ loves the church. But what he is demanding is this, that we love our wives qualitatively. That is, we have the same kind of love for our wives that Christ had for the church.
#25 | 18:05 to 20:03 | cleaned
That's the kind of love that led Christ to the cross to suffer and bleed and die for the church. What the Lord is telling us is this, we must learn as husbands to exercise the same quality of love toward our wives as Christ did for his church. So as the wife's role is to picture the submission of the church to Jesus Christ, so the husband's role is to picture the love of Christ for his church as he loves his wife. I hope he doesn't love his husband for sure. As the husband loves his wife. Now, in order for you and I to discover how Christ loved the church, we've got to ask this question. How did Christ love the church? If we understand how Christ loved the church, we can understand how Christ wants husbands to love their wives. Now, look at verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives, even as"—equal to, commensurate with—the way Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the church? First of all, Christ loved the church realistically.
#26 | 20:05 to 21:42 | cleaned
Realistically, let me ask you a question. When Christ set his love upon us, what were we like? Were we perfect? Were we pure and holy and just and righteous? Think about that. And while you're thinking, let me give you a verse. Romans 5, verses 6-8. Romans 5, verses 6-8. Listen. The Bible says, "For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die, yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Now what does the Bible say? The Bible says, in due time, Christ died for the ungodly. And while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Do you think that Jesus Christ thought that when he came to this world to die for us, that he was dying to save a perfect people who would always be obedient and always want to do that which was right and holy?
#27 | 21:44 to 23:14 | cleaned
You think that's what he thought? I don't think so. I don't think there's a bit of misconception in his mind. You remember what he said in Luke 19 and verse 10? "I came not to save that which was righteous, but that which was lost." He came to seek and to save that which was lost. How did he love us? He loved us realistically. He loved us the way we were. Have you heard the old adage, "love is blind"? That's really not true.
#28 | 23:16 to 23:51 | cleaned
I know what they mean by that. But love is not blind. Love is realistic. That is, real love is realistic. Biblical love is realistic. And Christ loved the church realistically, and what he's saying is that we should learn to love our wives realistically. We've got to understand there is no such thing as a perfect church. Usually, I tell people, if you ever find a perfect church, don't join it. You'll mess it up. Now, what am I saying? There's no such thing as a perfect church. Listen, men. Because there's no such thing as a perfect wife. If there's no perfect church, there's no perfect wife. All of our wives have faults, failings, blemishes and scars. That's it. But our love is not to be diminished because of their faults, their failings, their blemishes or their scars.
#29 | 23:51 to 25:04 | cleaned
Let me go further, let me explain that. Our wives may not be a beauty queen. They may not have the greatest intellect. They may no longer have their schoolgirl figure. But that should never diminish our love. I know of one young man who told his young wife that he never wanted her to gain weight, and that if they wanted a happy marriage, she had to keep her schoolgirl figure. May I point out that that was highly unrealistic. Either, number one, she will never grow physically, or number two, she will never have children, or number three, she will die at a very early age.
#30 | 25:07 to 26:08 | cleaned
What am I talking about? All the men in here could truthfully say, I'm not the man I used to be. Well, our wives are not what they used to be either. We grow old, we age, we have problems. When I say we are to love our wives realistically, you know, it's interesting that in Colossians 3 and verse 19, the Bible says this, "Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them." You know what bitterness is? You know what causes bitterness? Bitterness comes when our expectations are unfulfilled.
#31 | 26:14 to 26:58 | cleaned
She's just not cracked up to be what I thought she was going to be. She's just not acting the way I thought she should act. She's just not treating me the way I think I should be treated. Our bitterness always shows when we speak to our wives with contempt, sarcasm, and ridicule, or when we give them the silent treatment. We just won't speak. Unrealistic expectations always lead to bitterness. Now, I want you to think about this. Help me out now. The Bible says "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it," right?
#32 | 27:02 to 27:46 | cleaned
Now there's a comparison here. So, man, let me ask you this. Suppose Christ became bitter with you and became resentful with you because of all of your sin, all of your failings, all of your faults, and you have never measured up to be what he thinks you should be. Let me ask you, husbands, would you like for Christ to give you the silent treatment? Would you like for Christ to ridicule you and become sarcastic with you? You say, but pastor.
#33 | 27:48 to 28:26 | cleaned
My wife has not turned out the way that I thought she would turn out. Well, have you turned out the way that Christ desired you to turn out? Let's understand something, folks. If you would read 1 Corinthians 13, I think there's a little phrase there that goes like this, "love beareth all things." And the next time you get anxious because your wife has gained a few pounds, she has wrinkles, she has crow's feet, it may be time that you looked in the mirror yourself.
#34 | 28:28 to 29:12 | cleaned
And you're going to find that your hair is not as full as it once was. And what's really bad is when our ears have more hair than our head does. And you'd understand, and I can say this in South Georgia lingo, we're not as suave and debonair as we used to be, sort of suave and have an air. We're not.
#35 | 29:13 to 29:39 | cleaned
We must consider the fact that realistically, our wives are sinners just like we are. And therefore, they're going to have their faults and their failings and they're going to have their problems, they are not going to be perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect wife and ladies, I hate to burst your bubble, but I'll go ahead and say it. There's no such thing as a perfect husband. There's not. Because we're all sinners. But Christ loved the church realistically, there was no misconception in his mind, he knew we were wicked, he knew we were sinners, he knew we were ungodly, but he loved us anyway. Secondly, look back in verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it." He not only loved us realistically, he loved us exclusively. Scripture emphasizes the fact that he loved the church. Listen carefully. He did not love the world particularly. He loved the church particularly. What does that mean? That means husbands are to love their own peculiar and particular wives.
#36 | 29:47 to 31:15 | cleaned
That is the one that belongs to them. They are not to love their neighbor's wife.
#37 | 31:15 to 31:19 | cleaned
Now let me try to enlarge upon this just for a moment. In order to understand this distinction, you must understand the distinction between the love of benevolence in the Bible and God's special redemptive love. Now, I just said earlier that Christ did not love the world the way he loved the church. And before you begin quoting John 3:16, let me explain what I mean. Yes, there is a sense in which God loves the world benevolently. The benevolent love of God is revealed in the fact, in Matthew 5, that he causes the sun to rise upon the just and the unjust alike. He sends showers upon the just and the unjust alike.
#38 | 31:23 to 32:10 | cleaned
Peter said in Acts chapter 14 verse 17, listen to this, "Nevertheless he left not himself without witness, in that he did good, and gave us rain from heaven, and fruitful seasons, filling our hearts with food and gladness." Yes, that is a benevolent love. What is a benevolent love? That's when you love people in the sense that you do not wish them any harm, you do not wish them any ill, and you're more than willing to do things for them. But that does not mean that you love them with a special, particular, redemptive love.
#39 | 32:11 to 32:45 | cleaned
God has not shown that to the world. He's shown that to His church. Someone says, but wait a minute, brother Weaver, you don't understand. The Lord loves everyone alike and he loves everyone exactly the same way. Oh. Do you mean to tell me that God loved Esau exactly the way he loved Jacob? Do you mean to tell me that God loved Judas in the same way and in the same degree that he loved the Apostle Paul? Do you mean to tell me that God loves those who are condemned to death and hell in the same way that He loves His church? I don't think so. But I'm going to tell you what, if judgment and death and hell are acts of God's love, truthfully, I don't want to be loved like that.
#40 | 32:46 to 33:43 | cleaned
You and I both know there's a difference. I'll show it to you. Look in your Bible to John 17. John 17 is the high priestly prayer of our Lord. And look what he prays for. John 17. And notice, if you would please, verse 9. Look what the Bible says. Our Lord is praying. He's praying for his own. I'm going to make an application of this just for a moment. Watch this. John 17, verse 9, our Lord says, "I pray for them," that is, His believers, His church. "I pray for them. I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me, for they are thine." Well, you say, well, our Lord loves everybody alike. Well, if He loved everybody alike, why did He not pray for everybody alike? No, He does not love everybody the same way.
#41 | 33:45 to 34:36 | cleaned
That is why the Saints, as you will read through the scripture, the Saints are always called the beloved of the Lord. Now, does our Lord act graciously and mercifully toward all? Of course he does. That's why they have life. That's why they have food. That's why they have family. But that does not mean that he loves them in that special, redemptive way. He has not chosen to save everyone by grace through faith in the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
#42 | 34:37 to 35:14 | cleaned
Now, what is he saying? "Husbands, love your wives even as Christ loved the church." It is an exclusive love. I could say, truthfully, that I love every woman in this room. And I do. I don't want them to die of cancer. I don't want them to be in a car wreck and killed. I don't want them to be deprived and do without. I could say truthfully, I love every woman in this room. But I could also say I love my wife. And I don't love everyone in this room the way I love my wife. If I loved every woman in this room the way I love my wife, I would be in real problems. And I'm going to tell you, I can truthfully say that any man who tries to love my wife the way he loves his wife is going to be in bore water problems himself. And I would hope that every man in this congregation and every other man would feel the same way if I tried to make advances towards your wife.
#43 | 35:15 to 36:29 | cleaned
No, God says you love your wives. You love your own peculiar, particular wife. What does he say? If you love your wife, that means there's not going to be any cases of infatuation. There's not going to be any cases of lust and playing around. No, no. You're to resist all temptation. We must understand we're to love our wives. Now, watch this. When God says "Husbands, love your wives," here's a very important truth. Listen to this. Love is an act of a will. Love is not necessarily an emotion. Since love is an act of the will, it can be commanded. "Husbands, love your wives." And of course, by implication, the wife is to love the husband. Love is an act of the will. We will to love.
#44 | 36:31 to 37:27 | cleaned
I've heard of people saying, well, I just fell out of love. You didn't fall out of love. You just quit willing to love. You don't fall in love and you don't fall out of love. Love is an act of a will. I had a man come to me for counseling one time and basically he had already determined in his mind that he was going to divorce his wife and marry another woman. Now, he had no biblical grounds to divorce his wife.
#45 | 37:32 to 37:58 | cleaned
She had not committed any sin. He was just going to get him another woman. And it's interesting when people come to you for counseling, usually they really don't want counseling. What they want you to do is put your stamp of approval on what they've already decided to do. So he had already decided before he ever came to my office that he was going to divorce his wife and marry this other woman.
#46 | 37:58 to 38:24 | cleaned
And when I talked with him, I found out that there was no grounds for divorce. And I told him, look, you can't divorce your wife. She hasn't done anything worthy of divorce. And if you do so, you're going to be sinning against God. And it's a violation of the word of God. And when I told him that, he blurted out, but I don't love her. Oh.
#47 | 38:25 to 38:46 | cleaned
When he said that, I said, I'm sorry. You have no choice in the matter. God has commanded you. "Husbands, love your wife." I said, God has placed you under commandment oriented life. It is an act of the will. You must love your wife. And you know what his answer was? Well, I just can't love her as a wife. I said, well, let me ask you. She is at least the closest neighbor you have, isn't she?
#48 | 38:48 to 39:27 | cleaned
I mean, no one else could be any closer. I mean, she's at least living in the same house with you right now. Well, he said, yeah, I guess so. I said, well, good, because the scripture says, "love your neighbor." And since your wife is your closest neighbor, God commands you to love her. Why is it I can't even love her as a neighbor? I said, well, would you count her an enemy? He said, yes, yes, she is my enemy. I said, good, the word of God says "love your enemies." And when he saw he couldn't get out of it, all of a sudden he had to be somewhere else and the counseling session was over.
#49 | 39:29 to 40:07 | cleaned
Let me tell you, please understand this. I love my wife. And I will to love her every day. And I pray and I ask God to help me to love her as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. I love my wife more now than I ever did when we met or when we first got married. I'll be honest, I didn't even know what love was when we got married. And most people don't. And the reason there's so many divorces is because people have never understood that love is an act of the will.
#50 | 40:09 to 40:52 | cleaned
It's something that you must do and that you must work at on a daily basis. Now, please understand, mark it down. God commands you to love your wife. You can't get out of it. Whichever woman God has given you, God commands you to love her and he commands you to love her as Christ loved the church. He gave her to you in his providence. And now he commands you to love her. Now, thirdly, very quickly, Christ not only loved the church realistically, exclusively, He loved the church sacrificially. Look what the Bible says, Ephesians 5, verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it." The essence of love is to spend itself for another.
#51 | 40:53 to 42:01 | cleaned
Now, men, I want you to listen to me. Listen carefully. Here's what the Scripture says, "Husbands, love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it." I want you to underline this in your mind. Scripture does not say that Christ gave of Himself. It says that Christ gave Himself. What's that mean? It means we must love our wives sacrificially. Listen carefully. Lust and infatuation may lead a man into marriage, but only sacrificial love will keep him there. And once a man is married, the wife is to be number one in his life.
#52 | 42:02 to 43:10 | cleaned
Friends, associates and all other pleasures take a back seat. I've known men who've gotten married and who wanted to keep up their time with the boys. Hunt all night, fish all weekend, spend all of their time with their friends. As we say in South Georgia, that dog won't hunt. If you treat your wife like that, I can assure you of one thing. Those who sacrifice their wives for their friends will soon only have friends and no wives. Once you marry, that wife becomes your best friend, your number one companion, and all else take a back seat. Period. She comes first.
#53 | 43:15 to 44:28 | cleaned
Doesn't mean you can't go hunting. Doesn't mean you can't go fishing. Sometimes wives appreciate the fact that you're gone for a couple of days. But you make sure you pay close attention to her. I often tell my wife, I don't see how she gets anything done when I'm away from her because I'm not there to give her orders. And she tells me that she can get 10 times more done when I'm not there to give her the orders. But be honest, you cannot sacrifice your wife for your friends, period.
#54 | 44:30 to 45:12 | cleaned
Now, listen to what he said. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it."
#55 | 45:12 to 45:22 | cleaned
Now, I want to give you a rather lengthy quote right now. Palmer wrote a wonderful book on the family. And this is out of his book. And he is comparing the husband to Christ and the love of the husband for his wife with the love of the Christ for his church. Once you listen to what he says, and this is so beautiful. He says, "The second argument of the apostle is the analogy between the husband's love and that of Christ for the church.
#56 | 45:23 to 46:03 | cleaned
We can afford here only to skirt the edge of this mystery, which is reserved for a later exposition and another connection where the parallel not suggested in Scripture, we should not ourselves dare to conceive of it. Yet in how many striking particulars does it hold good? For example, the free electing sovereign love by which we were chosen in Christ before the foundation of the world to be the subjects of grace is faintly shadowed forth in the priority of the husband's love which pitched upon the one woman out of all of her sex to be his solace and his joy.
#57 | 46:05 to 46:43 | cleaned
The continuance of Christ's love in which having loved his own, he loved them to the end, is likewise pictured in the law of marriage, which constitutes a union indissoluble until death. Then the immense sacrifice whereby Christ gave himself for the Church finds its type indescribably faint. It is true in the consecration of the husband when forsaking all past associations and fellowship, he cleaves unto his wife and devotes himself to her alone. Still further, the real but mystical union of the believer with Christ through which he becomes a partaker of his life, found its earliest expression in the mystical union of marriage, wherein the two are made one flesh. Again, the gracious love of Christ with which he nourishes and cherishes the Church, by the communication of his Spirit, has an earthly illustration in the providence and toil with which the husband feeds, protects, and comforts her, who is supremely dependent upon his care. The aim of Christ in all this watchful tenderness of his redeeming love is that he might sanctify and cleanse the church, and present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish.
#58 | 46:44 to 47:58 | cleaned
In like manner have we begun to exhaust the signification of marriage until we comprehend its moral usage in making the parties to the same cure and better for this life and the life to come. To this end, how incumbent it is upon Him, whose nature is the stronger, to bring the support of His will, and the clearness of His judgment, and the majesty of His influence to strengthen and guide and to uphold her, who by the right of her dependence leans upon Him for all this. And how beneficent is the reciprocal effect of true conjugal intercourse between the two when she, by her winning tenderness, softens in him all that is harsh and rough, and he with his kindly firmness upholds and trains those plight graces which bloom the brighter as they twine themselves around his strength.
#59 | 47:59 to 48:49 | cleaned
Can higher honor be placed upon the husband's love, or can its sacredness be expressed with greater emphasis than by this analogy with the redeeming love of Christ our Lord. Were it always cherished, the husband's supremacy would rest gently upon the wife's obedience, the yoke would be easy, and the burden would be light." Isn't that beautiful? Showing how, really and truly, the husband's love for the wife is to picture the love of Christ for the church.
#60 | 48:50 to 49:25 | cleaned
Now, very quickly, I've got two other points. Look, if you would, in verses 26 and 27, 26 and 27. Notice, if you would. The Bible says in verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself, a glorious church.
#61 | 49:25 to 49:50 | cleaned
not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish." So here is, if you would notice, the purpose of His love. The purpose of His love. The purpose of our Lord's love for the church is to make it a holy, glorious, and godly entity. Our love for our wives is to be as the love of Christ for the church.
#62 | 49:52 to 50:16 | cleaned
Now, men, let me ask you a question. Here it is. Has your wife become more holy, more obedient and godlier because she's been married to you? Is she more sanctified now than when you married her? Are you to her, what Christ is to the church, a sanctifier? That's why he gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. You see, men like to make a point of the fact that the wife is to be in submission to the husband as the church is in submission to Christ. That is true. But it is equally true that men are to love their wives even as Christ loved the church. And the purpose of that love is to make that wife more holy, more godly, more obedient. And as I said earlier, it's easier for a wife to be in submission to a man who loves her as Christ loved the church.
#63 | 50:17 to 51:46 | cleaned
So as the wife is to picture the submission of the church to Christ, so the husband is the picture of the love of Christ for the church. Now, one last point. Notice the particularity of this love in verses 28 through 33. Verse 28, "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself." Isn't that interesting? I want you to think about this. Scripture says he that loveth his wife loveth himself.
#64 | 51:47 to 52:20 | cleaned
I've taught you that every positive has a negative and every negative has a positive. So if it is true that he that loves his wife loves his own self, turn it upside down, look at the other side. He who does not love his own wife does not really love himself.
#65 | 52:22 to 52:43 | cleaned
I suppose that could be another real issue in today's marriages. People hate themselves. And they hate themselves because they're disobedient to the word of God. Notice, if you would please, verse 29. "For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church." So what is he saying? He's saying here, if a man loves his wife, he's not going to neglect her. He's not going to abuse her. He's going to nourish her. He's going to cherish her. He's going to take care of her. He's going to provide for her.
#66 | 52:52 to 53:28 | cleaned
That's the evidence of the love. What is the evidence that Christ loves the church? He protects us. He provides for us. He communicates with us. He loves us. Verse 31 just demonstrates once again the truth of verses 28 and 29, he says, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, they two shall be one flesh." And then notice what he says in verse 33. "Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself." So if you love yourself, you love Christ.
#67 | 53:28 to 54:12 | cleaned
Now, let me just point out the fact that love does not mean that we never rebuke our wives when they are wrong or wicked. What does our Lord say in Revelation 3 and verse 19? "As many as I love, I rebuke." Our Lord rebukes us when we're wrong. Should a husband rebuke his wife when she's wicked or wrong? Well, of course. But rebuke should be done biblically, that is for sure. Does it mean that sometimes that we're never to be angry with the sins of our wives or the wives are never to be angry with the sins of our husbands? Of course not. The Bible says in Ephesians 4 and verse 26, "Be angry and sin not."
#68 | 54:13 to 55:00 | cleaned
There is a biblical use of anger, and that biblical use of anger is not to lash out at each other, but to resolve the problem, to resolve the sin. Our Lord rebukes us when we are wrong, and we may rebuke each other in biblical love when the other is wrong. But the husband who loves his wife... Now, let me make just a couple of applications. I've already asked this one question, but here it is again.
#69 | 55:02 to 55:40 | cleaned
Husbands, have your wives become more godly and more holy because they married you? Do you love your wife qualitatively? That is, with the same kind of love that Christ loved the Church? You sit back there and you say, well, yes, yes. Well, suppose I ask your wife, how would she answer it? Let me ask you another question. This is just by way of application. Husbands, I'm talking to you today. When is the last time that you told your wife that you loved her and that you appreciated her? Think about that. When is the last time you've opened the Scripture and taught her principles from the Word of God? When is the last time you've said, like our Lord, "I'll never leave you and never forsake you"? I've told my wife a hundred times I'm never going to leave her, and if she ever leaves me, she better pack my suitcase because I'm going with her. Now, you see what I'm saying? If we love ourselves, we love our wives. If we don't love ourselves, we do not love our wives.
#70 | 55:43 to 57:23 | cleaned
Husbands love, wives submit. These two things must always be taken together. They are inseparably bound to each other. And when men demand that their wives submit to them without them loving the wife the way Christ loved the church, they're demanding that which never can be and never will be. And when women demand their husbands love them the way Christ loved the church without being willing to submit to them, they're demanding what never will be and never can be. The two are inseparably bound together. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, without spot, without wrinkle. What is God's directive for the husband? Love your wife even as Christ loved the church. And God commands it. You cannot get out of it without sinning against Him. Let's pray.
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Father, we do ask in the name of Jesus Christ that you would help us and teach us and build us up in the most holy faith. O Lord, we do pray for grace that we may fulfill thy commands. May our wives be more godly and more holy, but may we as husbands be more godly and more holy and more loving and more reflective of the love of Christ. And may we always understand we must love from a position of headship. As Christ is the head of the church. Give us grace that we may serve Thee acceptably with reverence and godly fear. In Thy name we pray, Amen.
#72 | 58:59 to 59:39 | cleaned

deepseek | deepseek-v4-pro | clean_readable_transcript | 2026-06-05T17:33:28Z

The Family - Part 7

John Weaver | Freedom Ministries

In this sermon, John Weaver continues his series on the biblical doctrine of the family, focusing on the husband's role. He teaches that the key command for husbands is to love their wives with the same quality of love that Christ has for the church—realistically, exclusively, and sacrificially. This love is an act of the will, not merely an emotion, and must be exercised from a position of headship, avoiding the extremes of being a lackey or a tyrant. The purpose of this love is to sanctify and nurture the wife, reflecting Christ's sanctifying work in the church. The sermon emphasizes that the husband's love and the wife's submission are inseparably bound together in God's design for marriage.

Opening

Ephesians chapter 5, and let's begin reading there with verse 21. Ephesians 5, verse 21:

Scripture Reading — Ephesians 5:21-33

"Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church, for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones."

Introduction and Review

Weaver reviews the previous six messages on the family, covering dominion, creation differences, God's order, and the wife's role of submission.

Scripture Reading — Ephesians 5:24

"Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."

So the woman's submission to her husband is part and parcel of her submission to Jesus Christ.

The Particular Command: Love Your Wife

The Position of Love: Headship

Husbands must love from a position of headship, as Christ loves the church as its head, avoiding the extremes of being a passive lackey or a domineering tyrant.

The Purity of Love: Qualitatively Like Christ

The phrase 'even as' (kathos) indicates that husbands are to love their wives with the same quality of love Christ has for the church, not quantitatively but in kind.

Christ Loved the Church Realistically

Christ loved the church realistically, knowing our sinfulness, and husbands must love their wives realistically, accepting their faults and imperfections without bitterness.

Scripture Reading — Romans 5:6-8

"For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die, yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

You think that's what he thought? I don't think so. I don't think there's a bit of misconception in his mind. You remember what he said in Luke 19 and verse 10?

Scripture Reading — Luke 19:10

"I came not to save that which was righteous, but that which was lost."

He came to seek and to save that which was lost. How did he love us? He loved us realistically. He loved us the way we were. Have you heard the old adage, "love is blind"? That's really not true.

Christ Loved the Church Exclusively

Christ's love for the church is a special, redemptive love distinct from general benevolence; husbands must love their own wives exclusively, not other women.

Scripture Reading — John 17:9

"I pray for them. I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me, for they are thine."

Well, you say, well, our Lord loves everybody alike. Well, if He loved everybody alike, why did He not pray for everybody alike? No, He does not love everybody the same way.

Christ Loved the Church Sacrificially

Christ gave Himself for the church, and husbands must love sacrificially, putting their wives first above friends and personal pleasures, as love is an act of the will.

The Purpose of Love: Sanctification

The purpose of Christ's love is to sanctify and cleanse the church; likewise, a husband's love should help his wife become more holy and godly.

The Particularity of Love: As One's Own Body

Loving one's wife is loving oneself; a husband nourishes and cherishes his wife as his own flesh, reflecting the union of marriage.

Conclusion and Application

Husbands must examine whether their love has made their wives more godly, express love regularly, and understand that love and submission are inseparably bound.

The Family - Part 7

John Weaver | SermonAudio

Lecture Metadata	Details
Speaker	John Weaver
Source	SermonAudio
Media ID	1211071454245
Subject	Family Government
Course	The Christian Family: Marriage and Household Order: The Family
Genre	Sermon
Date	2007-10-21
Dictation Name
Book	Book 035: The Family — Chapter 7
Source Timed Segments	72

Lecture Guide

Outline

Introduction and Review: Weaver reviews the previous six messages on the family, covering dominion, creation differences, God's order, and the wife's role of submission.
The Particular Command: Love Your Wife: The key command for husbands is to love their wives, using the Greek word agapao, which denotes the highest spiritual love, and it is a present middle imperative meaning continuous, progressive action.
The Position of Love: Headship: Husbands must love from a position of headship, as Christ loves the church as its head, avoiding the extremes of being a passive lackey or a domineering tyrant.
The Purity of Love: Qualitatively Like Christ: The phrase 'even as' (kathos) indicates that husbands are to love their wives with the same quality of love Christ has for the church, not quantitatively but in kind.
Christ Loved the Church Realistically: Christ loved the church realistically, knowing our sinfulness, and husbands must love their wives realistically, accepting their faults and imperfections without bitterness.
Christ Loved the Church Exclusively: Christ's love for the church is a special, redemptive love distinct from general benevolence; husbands must love their own wives exclusively, not other women.
Christ Loved the Church Sacrificially: Christ gave Himself for the church, and husbands must love sacrificially, putting their wives first above friends and personal pleasures, as love is an act of the will.
The Purpose of Love: Sanctification: The purpose of Christ's love is to sanctify and cleanse the church; likewise, a husband's love should help his wife become more holy and godly.
The Particularity of Love: As One's Own Body: Loving one's wife is loving oneself; a husband nourishes and cherishes his wife as his own flesh, reflecting the union of marriage.
Conclusion and Application: Husbands must examine whether their love has made their wives more godly, express love regularly, and understand that love and submission are inseparably bound.

Major Themes

Key Arguments

Love is a Command, Not an Option

God commands husbands to love their wives; it is not optional or based on feelings but an act of the will that must be continually exercised.

Weaver says, 'God has placed you under commandment oriented life. It is an act of the will. You must love your wife' (2328.0-2367.8s).

Headship is for the Wife's Good

The husband's headship is not for tyranny or passivity but for the protection and benefit of the wife, reflecting Christ's headship over the church.

Weaver states, 'that position of headship is always for the good of the wife' and explains it is not to harm or destroy (941.2-1028.9s).

Unrealistic Expectations Lead to Bitterness

Bitterness in marriage often stems from unmet, unrealistic expectations; husbands must love realistically, accepting their wives' imperfections.

Weaver says, 'Bitterness comes when our expectations are unfulfilled' and warns against contempt and sarcasm (1622.9-1666.6s).

Exclusive Love Prevents Infidelity

Loving one's wife exclusively means resisting temptation and not loving other women in the same way, safeguarding the marriage.

Weaver says, 'If you love your wife, that means there's not going to be any cases of infatuation... You're to resist all temptation' (2191.9-2247.2s).

Sacrificial Love Prioritizes the Wife

Once married, the wife becomes the husband's primary companion; friends and hobbies must take a back seat to the marriage relationship.

Weaver says, 'Once you marry, that wife becomes your best friend, your number one companion, and all else take a back seat' (2595.9-2668.8s).

Love Aims at Spiritual Growth

A husband's love should have the goal of sanctifying his wife, helping her grow in holiness, just as Christ's love sanctifies the church.

Weaver asks, 'Has your wife become more holy, more obedient and godlier because she's been married to you?' (3017.2-3106.8s).

Loving Wife is Loving Self

Scripture teaches that loving one's wife is equivalent to loving oneself; failure to love her indicates a lack of proper self-love.

Weaver says, 'He who does not love his own wife does not really love himself' (3142.5-3163.8s).

Mutual Dependence of Love and Submission

The husband's love and the wife's submission are interdependent; demanding one without the other is unbiblical and ineffective.

Weaver says, 'when men demand that their wives submit to them without them loving the wife... they're demanding that which never can be' (3448.6-3539.0s).

Scripture References

Ephesians 5:21-33: The primary passage read and expounded, covering mutual submission, the wife's submission, and the husband's love as Christ loved the church.
Ephesians 5:24: Cited to show that the wife's submission to her husband is part of her submission to Christ.
Ephesians 5:25: Repeatedly referenced as the command for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church.
Ephesians 5:28: Cited to emphasize that men ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
Ephesians 5:33: Referenced to reiterate the command for each husband to love his wife as himself.
Colossians 3:19: Quoted to show the parallel command: 'Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.'
1 Corinthians 11: Mentioned in review as teaching God's order: God, Christ, man, woman.
Romans 5:6-8: Quoted to demonstrate that Christ died for the ungodly while we were yet sinners, showing realistic love.
Luke 19:10: Cited: 'I came not to save that which was righteous, but that which was lost,' illustrating Christ's realistic love.
John 17:9: Quoted to show Christ's exclusive love: 'I pray for them: I pray not for the world.'
Matthew 5: Referenced regarding God's benevolent love causing sun and rain on just and unjust.
Acts 14:17: Quoted to illustrate God's benevolent love through provision of rain and fruitful seasons.
1 Corinthians 13: Alluded to with 'love beareth all things' in the context of realistic love.
Revelation 3:19: Quoted: 'As many as I love, I rebuke,' to show that love includes biblical rebuke.
Ephesians 4:26: Quoted: 'Be angry and sin not,' to indicate there is a biblical use of anger in resolving sin.

Historical References

Jamieson, Fausset and Brown Commentary: Weaver quotes this commentary on the measure of love corresponding to the measure of obedience.
John Gill's Commentary: Weaver reads an extended quote from John Gill describing the nature of a husband's love for his wife.
Palmer's Book on the Family: Weaver reads a lengthy quote from Palmer drawing analogies between the husband's love and Christ's love for the church.

Important Quotes

A woman who is not rightly submitted to her husband is not right with God.

Emphasizes the spiritual seriousness of the wife's submission as part of her relationship with God.

The husband who does not love his wife the way Christ loved the church is not right with God either.

Balances the previous statement, showing that the husband's failure to love is equally a sin against God.

The key word for the husband is not rule, it's not conquer, it is love.

Defines the central command for husbands, countering cultural expectations of dominance.

Lust and infatuation may lead a man into marriage, but only sacrificial love will keep him there.

Highlights the necessity of sacrificial, willful love for the endurance of marriage.

Love is an act of a will. Love is not necessarily an emotion.

Establishes that biblical love is a choice and command, not a fleeting feeling.

He who does not love his own wife does not really love himself.

Draws a logical conclusion from Ephesians 5:28, linking self-love to love of spouse.

Husbands love, wives submit. These two things must always be taken together. They are inseparably bound to each other.

Summarizes the mutual dependence of the marital roles as taught in Ephesians 5.

Discussion Questions

[Question]

What does it mean to love your wife 'even as Christ loved the church' in practical, daily terms?

[Context]

Weaver explains that this love is qualitative, realistic, exclusive, and sacrificial.

[Question]

How can a husband balance headship with sacrificial love without becoming either a tyrant or a passive lackey?

[Context]

Weaver warns against the two extremes and says headship is for the wife's good.

[Question]

Why is it important to understand that love is an act of the will rather than just an emotion?

[Context]

Weaver argues that love can be commanded because it is a choice, not a feeling.

[Question]

In what ways can unrealistic expectations lead to bitterness in marriage, and how can they be avoided?

[Context]

Weaver says bitterness comes from unfulfilled expectations and urges realistic love.

[Question]

How does a husband's love contribute to the sanctification and spiritual growth of his wife?

[Context]

Weaver asks whether wives have become more holy because of their husbands' love.

[Question]

What are some practical ways a husband can demonstrate exclusive love for his wife?

[Context]

Weaver discusses the distinction between benevolent love and special redemptive love.

[Question]

How does the analogy of Christ and the church shape our understanding of the husband-wife relationship?

[Context]

Weaver reads Palmer's quote detailing the parallels between Christ's love and a husband's love.

[Question]

Why are love and submission described as inseparably bound, and what happens when one is demanded without the other?

[Context]

Weaver concludes that demanding one without the other leads to impossibility.

Applications

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